The joke thread, cause we all need to laugh!!!!!!

[nobull56]

FARM KID
(NOW AT San Diego MARINE CORPS RECRUIT TRAINING)
Dear Ma and Pa,
I am well. Hope you are.

Tell Brother Walt and Brother Elmer the Marine Corps beats working for old man Minch by a mile. Tell them to join up quick before all of the places are filled.

I was restless at first because you get to stay in bed till nearly 6 a.m. But I am getting so I like to sleep late. Tell Walt and Elmer all you do before breakfast is smooth your cot, and shine some things. No hogs to slop, feed to pitch, mash to mix, wood to split, fire to lay. Practically nothing. Men got to shave but it is not so bad, there's warm water.

Breakfast is strong on trimmings like fruit juice, cereal, eggs, bacon, etc., but kind of weak on chops, potatoes, ham, steak, fried eggplant, pie and other regular food, but tell Walt and Elmer you can always sit by the two city boys that live on coffee. Their food, plus yours, holds you until noon when you get fed again. It's no wonder these city boys can't walk much.

We go on 'route marches,' which the platoon sergeant says are long walks to harden us. If he thinks so, it's not my place to tell him different. A 'route march' is about as far as to our mailbox at home. Then the city guys get sore feet and we all ride back in trucks.

The sergeant is like a school teacher. He nags a lot. The Captain is like the school board. Majors and colonels just ride around and frown. They don't bother you none.

This next will kill Walt and Elmer with laughing. I keep getting medals for shooting. I don't know why. The bulls-eye is near as big as a chipmunk head and don't move, and it ain't shooting at you like the Higgett boys at home. All you got to do is lie there all comfortable and hit it. You don't even load your own cartridges They come in boxes.

Then we have what they call hand-to-hand combat training. You get to wrestle with them city boys. I have to be real careful though, they break real easy. It ain't like fighting with that ole bull at home. I'm about the best they got in this except for that Tug Jordan from over in Silver Lake . I only beat him once.. He joined up the same time as me, but I'm only 5'6' and 130 pounds and he's 6'8' and near 300 pounds dry.

Be sure to tell Walt and Elmer to hurry and join before other fellers get onto this setup and come stampeding in.
Your loving daughter,
Alice

 

[Iffy]

The Best Pubs Are Irish
"As good as this bar is," said the Scotsman, "I still prefer the pubs back home. In Glasgow , there's a wee place called McTavish's. The landlord goes out of his way for the locals. When you buy four drinks, he'll buy the fifth drink."
"Well, Angus," said the Englishman, "At my local in London , the Red Lion, the barman will buy you your third drink after you buy the first two."
"Ahhh, dat's nothin'," said Paddy Sheehan, the Irishman. "Back home in me favorite pub, the moment you set foot in the place, they'll buy you a drink, then another, all the drinks you like, actually. Then, when you've had enough drinks, they'll take you upstairs and see dat you gets laid, all on the house!"
The Englishman and Scotsman were suspicious of the claims.
"Did this actually happen to you,Paddy ?"
"Not me meself, personally, no," admitted the Irishman, "but it did happen to me sister quite a few times."

 

[shokdee]

 

[shokdee]

 

[messn'n'gommin']

Little Johnny had spent the morning playing near a house being built. When mom called him for lunch, Little Johnny was carrying a foot long piece of 2x4 the workers had given to him. Curious, mom asked him what it was for.

Little Johnny said, "I been playing carpenter, mommy!"

Mom asked, "Can I play too!

"Sure! Just hold this 2x4 next to the wall."

Mom does, and Little Johnny said, "Move it to the left, just a little red cock-hair!"

Indignant, mom yells back, "I will not!"

Little Johnny replies, "Fuck it then...nail 'er there!"

 

[noyd666]

AUSTRALIAN ARMY HAS DONE SOME COST CUTTING MEASURES DUE TO LABOUR CUTBACKS INSTEAD OF THROWING A GRENADE AT THE TALIBAN THEY THROW IN A SLAB OF BACON IT SEEMS TO HAVE THE SAME EFFECT.

 

[shokdee]

OK I'm no mentor, just an actor, who's played the part of Genie in a Bottle, to modest success, I might add.

1) Genie will always grant and full-fill 3 wishes.
2) Whatever you wish for will come true.
3) Genie's wish is that you are careful what you wish for.

 

[5th]

This guy visits the doctors and says, "Doc, I think Ive got a sex problem. I cant get it up for my wife anymore." The doctor says, "Come back tomorrow and bring her with you." The next day, the guy shows up with his wife. The doctor says to the wife, "Take off your clothes and lie on the table." She does it, and the doctor walks around the table a few times looking her up and down. He pulls the guy to the side and says, "Youre fine. She doesnt give me a hard-on, either."

 

[Harry Gypsna]

Why do hookers make more money than drug dealers?


Drug dealers can only wash their crack and sell it once.

 

[Stonefree69]

Pickup line of the day: Did you get those pants on sale? Because at my house they would be 100% off!

If skirts get any shorter, and boots get any higher, we'll soon be able to see Puss 'n' Boots!

Nurse came in and said Doc, there's a man in the waiting room who thinks he's invisible, what should i tell him? The doctor said "Tell him I can't see him today".

 

[shokdee]

If skirts get any shorter, and boots get any higher, we'll soon be able to see Puss 'n' Boots!

Trust me, the booty don't lie!

(Hell man things are looking up, it used to be just Bush 'n' Gore)

 

[shokdee]

Pickup line of the day: Did you get those pants on sale? Because at my house they would be 100% off!

Interesting twist there, I thought it was a thong at 69% off.

 

[Iffy]

Catholic school maths 1+2 = 3

Until a child tells you what they are thinking, we can't even begin to imagine how their mind is working......

Little Zachary was doing very badly in maths. His parents had tried everything...tutors, mentors, flash cards, special learning centers. In short, everything they could think of to help his maths.
Finally, in a last ditch effort, they took Zachary down and enrolled him in the local Catholic school. After the first day, little Zachary came home with a very serious look on his face. He didn't even kiss his mother hello. Instead, he went straight to his room and started studying.
Books and papers were spread out all over the room and little Zachary was hard at work. His mother was amazed. She called him down to dinner. To her shock, the minute he was done, he marched back to his room without a word, and in no time, he was back hitting the books as hard as before.

This went on for some time, day after day, while the mother tried to understand what made all the difference. Finally, little Zachary brought home his report Card. He quietly laid it on the table, went up to his room and hit the books. With great trepidation, his Mom looked at it and to her great surprise, little Zachary got an 'A' in maths!
She could no longer hold her curiosity. She went to his room and said, "Son, what was it? Was it the nuns?"
Little Zachary looked at her and shook his head, no.
"Well, then," she replied. "Was it the books, the discipline, the structure, the uniforms? WHAT WAS IT?"

Little Zachary looked at her with big eyes and said, "Well, on the first day of school when I saw that guy nailed to the plus sign, I knew they weren't fooling around."

 

[Stoner4Life]

What does it mean when your girlfriend is in your bed gasping for breath and calling out your name?


That you didn't hold the pillow down long enough.







Why do they call it PMS?

Because Mad Cow Disease was already taken

 

[Hank Hemp]

Oldies but goodies Stoner.

 

[shokdee]

and golly gosh can I say to noyd666 that the penny has only just dropped! Your joke's not funny, ha ha, but I get what you're saying and it's really funny!

And iffy's a real stormtrooper, Roman gladiolas, or whatever bruv!

 

[Stonefree69]

If bacon is called bacon and cookies are cookies, why do we bake cookies and cook bacon? Figure that out!

 

[Peter Parker]

Bwahahahaha! You guys are freaking great. Thanks for the laugh, everyone. Have a good one!

 

[Weezard]

Howzit SF?

For the same lack of reason that has us parking on a driveway
And driving on a parkway.

Pink monkeys is crazy.



Weeze

 

[shokdee]

If bacon is called bacon and cookies are cookies, why do we bake cookies and cook bacon?

Because we're hungry

I can't figure out why pink monkey actors become politicians and pink monkey politicians become actors.

And DO NOT FORGET to clear your cookies with a good cookie cleaner, and that is no joke!