The joke thread, cause we all need to laugh!!!!!!

[Hank Hemp]

I would tell you that's better but some here would think I was encouraging your attempts at humor. Please everyone lets give the lad one more try!! A page or to back you wonder what you could do tell a funny joke or tale, simple. Or don't see the cred. I get for trying to help.

 

[Hank Hemp]

That's right

That's right

yes, and if I'm not mistaken the jokes 2nd appearance was for Hanks benefit, sorta like telling him "yeah it's the same old joke now stuff it up your arse......."

Blame poor old Hank. Who only try's to help. Kill the messenger.

 

[Capt.Ahab]

Little johnny was in class one day when his teacher was reading a story to the class she said "and so the little pig went up to the man with the wheelbarrow full of straw and said excuse me sir but can i please borrow some of that straw to build my house" and the teacher says "and what do you think that man said?" and then little johnny raised his hand and said "i think he said holy shit a talking pig"!!


A man was walking on the sidewalk and noticed up ahead that Little Johnny was wearing a red fireman’s hat and sitting in a red wagon. It appeared that the wagon was being pulled slowly by a large Labrador Retriever. When he got closer to the lad, he noticed that Johnny had a rope tied around the dog’s balls, which probably accounted for why the dog was walking so gingerly. Smiling, he spoke to the little boy, "That’s really a nice fire engine you have there son. But I’ll bet the dog would pull you faster if you tied that rope around his neck."
"Yeah," Johnny replied, "but then I wouldn’t have a siren."

 

[MJBadger]

Biscuits & a Chinese , greedy little bastard ain`t it ?

 

[Stoner4Life]

Blame poor old Hank. Who only try's to help. Kill the messenger.

oh Hank, I love ya bro, just havin' a bit of fun @ the messengers expense.......

 

[5th]

Two high school sweethearts who went out together for four years in high school were both virgins; they enjoyed losing their virginity with each other in 10th grade. When they graduated, they wanted to both go to the same college but the girl was accepted to a college on the east coast, and the guy went to the west coast. They agreed to be faithful to each other and spend anytime they could together.
As time went on, the guy would call the girl and she would never be home, and when he wrote, she would take weeks to return the letters. Even when he emailed her, she took days to return his messages.
Finally, she confessed to him she wanted to date around. He didnt take this very well and increased his calls, letters, and emails trying to win back her love. Because she became annoyed, and now had a new boyfriend, she wanted to get him off her back.
So, what she did is this: she took a Polaroid picture of her sucking her new boyfriends cock and sent it to her old boyfriend with a note reading, "I found a new boyfriend, leave me alone." Well, needless to say, this guy was heartbroken but, even more so, was pissed. So, what he did next was awesome.
He wrote on the back of the photo the following, "Dear Mom and Dad, having a great time at college, please send more money!" and mailed the picture to her parents.

 

[Stonefree69]

I saw a dog chase its tail for 10 minutes and thought wow dogs are easily entertained and then I remembered I just watched a dog chase it's tail for 10 minutes.

 

[kaochiu]

I would tell you that's better but some here would think I was encouraging your attempts at humor. Please everyone lets give the lad one more try!! A page or to back you wonder what you could do tell a funny joke or tale, simple. Or don't see the cred. I get for trying to help.

Uuuuuh! I'm sorry i didn't attend your humour academy, i wasn't even born in 1930! all those creds! Was the Batman joke your tesin? or did ya get a doctorate in acceptable jokism for the masses? Ok, ok, you win, without your encouraging i won't attempt at humour no more. I will tell jokes that will give you nightmares, though. Like this one.

One fluffy kitten given as birthday pressie to a seven year old girl (role played in special cameo by Helena Bonham-Carter) waits for the night to have his escape. Night is for cool cats, so he pretends to be one. A grown up feral red tomcat passes by and has a despective glance at him
- How old are you?
-(faking a graver voice) er... mmm... i'll be six months soon, five and a half now, and most of my mates are older.
-you look like two to me. Do you know how to fuck?
-er... sure... i fucked many times, who you take me for?
-ok, i just know the place and is enough for both, come with me
They go through some roofs and end up in a circular plaza with a fountain in the middle.
- Let's wait and soon we'll be fuckin our dicks off, this place is a magnet for those bitches
Then a dog, female of the species, sees them and starts chasing them around the fountain. After ten minutes seeming ages, the small kitty in knackered, looks back to the tomcat also running from the dog and says
-this is cool, fella, but i think i'll fuck a couple rounds more and i'm going home

 

[Euphoriaholic]

I am a dog owner.

My dog is a mixed breed.

My dog is half St. Bernard and half Pitbull.

My dog likes to rescue people and then kill them.

 

[Hank Hemp]

That's Deep

That's Deep

I saw a dog chase its tail for 10 minutes and thought wow dogs are easily entertained and then I remembered I just watched a dog chase it's tail for 10 minutes.

On so many different levels and textures, WOW!!! Oh yeah, did the dog have a long tall or short? Glad I wore my boots today.

And Stone4, you already hurt my poor old feelings, you know.

 

[5th]

...this might be a repeat

...this might be a repeat

A boy was walking down the street when he noticed his grandpa sitting on the porch, in the rocking chair, with nothing on from the waist down. "Grandpa what are you doing?" he exclaimed. The old man looked off in the distance and did not answer him. "Grandpa, what are you doing sitting out here with nothing on below the waist?" he asked again. The old man slowly looked at him and said, "Well, last week I sat out here with no shirt on, and I got a stiff neck. This is your Grandmas idea."

 

[ZZTops]

The Question is...

Sorry Hank You Missed the Question...

Did he Catch It...?

 

[Hank Hemp]

I don't look upon myself so much a critic but(t) a mentor, helping those who think humor is easy, a trifle, not a art form. To all who give me creds for the work I do thank you, I do it for us all. Once again thank you for the creds ZZT.

 

[ZZTops]

You are A Humble Friend...

My Friend...

 

[Euphoriaholic]

Angela Jolie did a interview for a magazine article about her relationship with Brad Pitt.

Angela Jolie said she did not sleep with Brad Pitt during the first 6 months of their relationship.

Angela Jolie said she tried to sleep with him sooner but the line was too long.

 

[killa-bud]

.....

 

[5th]

There are these three girls and their boyfriends all have the same name. So in order to keep them from getting confused, they decided to give their boyfriends nicknames. So they asked the first girl what she called her boyfriend. And she says, "I call my man 7-up." They ask her," Why do you call your man that," and she says," Because hes seven inches long and is always up. They ask the second girl what she calls her man. She says," I call my man Mountain Dew." They ask," Why do you call your man that," and she says," Because he likes to Mount me and to Do me." They ask the third girl the same thing and she says, "I like to call my man Jack Daniels." They look at her puzzled and say," Why do you call your man that, Jack Daniels is a Hard Liquor," and she says, "Exactly."

 

[Stonefree69]

Bill and Hillary are now married 40 years. When they first got married, Bill said, "I am putting a box under the bed. You must promise never to look in it." In all their 40 years of marriage, Hillary never looked. However, on the afternoon of their 40th anniversary, curiosity got the best of her, and she lifted the lid and peeked inside. In the box were 3 empty beer cans and $1,874.25 in cash. She closed the box and put it back under the bed. Now that she knew what was in the box, she was doubly curious as to why.

That evening they were out for a special dinner. After dinner Hillary could no longer contain her curiosity and she confessed and said "I am so sorry. For all these years I kept my promise and never looked into the box under our bed. However, today the temptation was too much, and I gave in. But now I need to know why do you keep the empty cans in the box?"

Bill thought for a while and said, "I guess after all these years you deserve to know the truth. Whenever I was unfaithful to you I put an empty beer can in the box under the bed to remind myself not to do it again."

Hillary was shocked, but said, "I am very disappointed and saddened, but I guess after all those years away from home on the road, temptation does happen and I guess that a few times is not that bad considering the years."

They hugged and made their peace. A little while later Hillary asked Bill, "Why do you have all that money in the box?"

Bill answered, "Whenever the box filled with empty cans, I cashed them in."

 

[5th]

A guys walking down the boardwalk in Atlantic City and he runs into a hooker. He says, "How much?" She says "Twenty bucks." He says, "All right." They climb down under the boardwalk, and he bangs her. The next night, he runs into the same hooker, they go under the boardwalk, only this time while hes banging her, she blasts two incredible farts. When they get done, he hands her twenty-five dollars. She says, "Whats with the extra five?" He says, "Thats for blowing the sand off my balls."

 

[nobull56]

Woman:
Do you drink beer?

Man:
Yes

Woman:
How many beers a day?

Man:
Usually about 3

Woman:
How much do you pay per beer?

Man: $5.00 which includes a tip

(This is where it gets scary!)

Woman:
And how long have you been drinking?

Man:
About 20 years, I suppose

Woman:
So a beer costs $5 and you have 3 beers a day which puts your spending each month at $450. In one year, it would be approximately $5400 ...correct?

Man:
Correct

Woman:
If in 1 year you spend $5400, not accounting for inflation, the past
20 years puts your spending at $108,000, correct?

Man:
Correct

Woman:
Do you know that if you didn ' t drink so much beer, that money could have been put in a step-up interest savings account and after accounting for compound interest for the past 20 years, you could have now bought a Ferrari?

Man:
Do you drink beer?

Woman:
No

Man:
Where ' s your Ferrari?