The joke thread, cause we all need to laugh!!!!!!

[Hank Hemp]

HUH!!!

HUH!!!

Ok, ok, i'll just keep trying. It's difficult to find nowadays good comedians. See this example, Lavern Harvell and Tony Pietroantonio, only one of them is a stand-up.

Your jokes not original??? WOW!!

So a drunk staggers out of a bar and sees a nun standing at a bus stop. He walks up to her and punches her in the face. When she falls to the ground, he starts screaming, "You're not so tough now, are you, Batman?"

 

[Stonefree69]

A couple, both age 78, went to a sex therapist's office. The doctor asked, "What can I do for you?"

The man said, "Will you watch us have sex?"

The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed.

When the couple finished, the doctor said, "There's nothing wrong with the way you have sex," and charged them $50.

This happened several weeks in a row. The couple would make an appointment, have sex with no problems, pay the doctor, then leave.

Finally, the doctor asked, "Just exactly what are you trying to find out?"

"We're not trying to find out anything," the husband replied.

"She's married and we can't go to her house. I'm married and we can't go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges $90. The Hilton charges $108. We do it here for $50...and I get $43 back from Medicare.

 

[Stonefree69]

Woman with 10 kids...

A woman went down to the Welfare Office to get aid. The office worker asked her, “How many children do you have?”

“Ten,” she replied.

“What are their names?” he asked.

“David, David, David, David, David, David, David, David, David and David,” she answered.

“They’re all named David?” he asked “What if you want them to come in from playing outside?”

“Oh, that’s easy,” she said. “I just call ‘David,’ and they all come running in.”

“And, if you want them to come to the table for dinner?”

“I just say, ‘David, come eat your dinner’,” she answered.

“But what if you just want ONE of them to do something?” he asked.

“Oh, that’s easy,” she said. “I just use their last name!”


Jesus I'm coming!

Little Billy came home from school to see the families pet rooster dead in the front yard. Rigor Mortis had set in and it was flat on its back with its legs in the air. When his Dad came home Billy said, "Dad our roosters dead and his legs are sticking in the air. Why are his legs sticking in the air?"

His father thinking quickly said, "Son, that's so God can reach down from the clouds and lift the rooster straight up to heaven."

"Gee Dad that's great," said little Billy. A few days later, when Dad came home from work, Billy rushed out to meet him yelling, "Dad, Dad we almost lost Mom today!"

"What do you mean?" said Dad.

"Well Dad, I got home from school early today and went up to your bedroom and there was Mom flat on her back with her legs in the air screaming, "Jesus I'm coming, I'm coming" If it hadn't of been for Uncle George holding her down we'd have lost her for sure!...

 

[kaochiu]

Your jokes not original??? WOW!!

So a drunk staggers out of a bar and sees a nun standing at a bus stop. He walks up to her and punches her in the face. When she falls to the ground, he starts screaming, "You're not so tough now, are you, Batman?"

Funny this one but i've heard it the day after Batman signed for Marvel. This one, also from our ancestors:

He's pissed. He's really pissed this time. Wife is gonna find out, because he's so pissed he's creeping to get to the door, and then he can't reach the keyhole. The effort to get the key in the keyhole is a strenuous job, it takes good twenty minutes. But he knows if he does any noise, wife will wake up. He enters the hall and barely can see the stairs up like a mountain to climb, and he's so fuckin drunk he can only pull himself along holding to the baluster bars, inch by inch, slowly, noiseless. Man, how drunk he was. Then is the bedroom door. It grinds at ten inches opening, he has to pass through that narrow gap if he doesn't want to wake his wife, and it's not easy, no sir, crawling on one side. But he's now inside the bedroom, he can hear wife's light snoring, if she wakes up she'll see him lying on the floor and she'll find out how drunk he was again, and she'll be angry. He uses the last of his last strength to help himself to the bed. Bingo. He's there. Wife still snores, she'll never find out.
Morning came.
-Again, you hopeless drunk idiot, again you were plastered last night in the pub, you hopeless bastard!
-(With a surprised face) Me, dear? No way my love, I got chatting to a friend drinking just fruit juices, and then came and went to sleep, you didn't even notice, ha ha, did you?
- Oh yeah? and that's why you forgot your weelchair in the pub!

 

[Stonefree69]

Three friends are in a car driving to the ballgame when a big truck runs them over, killing them instantly.

They find themselves at the Pearly Gates being interviewed by St. Peter. “OK, you,” he says, pointing to Vito, “How many times did you cheat on your wife? And don’t lie, I’m St. Peter you know. “

Vito hangs his head and replies, “Honestly Pete, I was with two maybe three different broads a week.”

St. Peter says, “OK, your car in heaven is that used Geo Metro over there, goodbye.”

He looks at Eddie and asks, “How many times did you cheat on your wife?”

Eddie replies, “I must admit that in 15 years of marriage I did cheat on my wife 3 times.”

St. Peter says, “OK, your car in heaven is that LeBaron, goodbye.”

He then looks at Jacob and asks, “And you, how many times did you cheat on your wife?”

Jacob lifts his head high and replies, “I am proud to say that over 20 years of marriage, I never cheated on my wife! In fact, my beloved has been dead for 2 years now and I remained celibate the whole time!”

St. Peter replies, “Very impressive. Your car in heaven is that Ferrari convertible, goodbye!”

A couple of hours later, Vito and Eddie are waiting for Jacob at the park where all three had planned to meet. Jacob arrives a couple of minutes late in his Ferrari, and his friends notice that he is sobbing like a baby.

Vito asks, “Hey! Whatsamatterwidyou? We should be crying! We’re stuck with these ugly buckets and you got a new Ferrari!”

Jacob, between sobs replies, “I just saw my wife on a skateboard!”

 

[Swampdankv2]

What has two legs and bleeds a lot?


Half a cat...

 

[5th]

Jack was sitting in an airplane when another guy took the seat beside him. Jack noticed that the guy was moaning and shaking. "Whats wrong?" asked Jack. "Ive been transferred to New Orleans, Louisiana," the guy answered. "Theres crazy people in New Orleans. They have shootings, rapes, robberies, gangs, race riots, drugs . . . . the highest crime rate." "Hold on," Jack interrupted. "Ive lived there all my life. Its not as bad as the media says. Find a nice home, go to work, mind your own business, enroll your kids in a good school and its as safe as anywhere in the world." The other passenger relaxed and stopped shaking for a moment and said, "Oh, thank you. Ive been worried to death, but if you live there and say its OK, Ill take your word for it. What do you do for a living?" "Me?" said Jack. "Im the tail gunner on a Bud Lite truck."

 

[Stonefree69]

 

[Harry Gypsna]

View Image

Died
In
A
Nasty
Accident

The death of Princess Di completely overshadowed the death of Mother Theresa a few days later.
So, Elton John decided to do another version of his hit record, just for her. This time it was called "Sandals in the bin"

 

[5th]

A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him. The waitress asks for their orders. The man says, "A hamburger, fries and a coke," and turns to the ostrich, "Whats yours?" "Ill have the same," says the ostrich. A short time later the waitress returns with the order. "That will be $9.40 please," and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment. The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, "A hamburger, fries, and a coke." The ostrich says, "Ill have the same." Again the man re aches into his pocket and pays with exact change. This becomes routine until, the two enter again. "The usual?" asks the waitress. "No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato, and salad," says the man. "Same," says the ostrich. Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, "That will be $32.62." Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table. The waitress cant hold back her curiosity any longer. "Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change out of your pocket every time?" "Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there." "Thats brilliant!" says the waitress. "Most people would wish for a million dollars or something, but youll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!" "Thats right. Whether its a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there," says the man. The waitress asks, "But, sir, whats with the ostrich?" The man sighs, pauses, and answers, "My second wish was for a tall chick with a big ass and long legs who agrees with everything I say."

 

[Hank Hemp]

Oh wow!

Oh wow!

Funny this one but i've heard it the day after Batman signed for Marvel. This one, also from our ancestors:

He's pissed. He's really pissed this time. Wife is gonna find out, because he's so pissed he's creeping to get to the door, and then he can't reach the keyhole. The effort to get the key in the keyhole is a strenuous job, it takes good twenty minutes. But he knows if he does any noise, wife will wake up. He enters the hall and barely can see the stairs up like a mountain to climb, and he's so fuckin drunk he can only pull himself along holding to the baluster bars, inch by inch, slowly, noiseless. Man, how drunk he was. Then is the bedroom door. It grinds at ten inches opening, he has to pass through that narrow gap if he doesn't want to wake his wife, and it's not easy, no sir, crawling on one side. But he's now inside the bedroom, he can hear wife's light snoring, if she wakes up she'll see him lying on the floor and she'll find out how drunk he was again, and she'll be angry. He uses the last of his last strength to help himself to the bed. Bingo. He's there. Wife still snores, she'll never find out.
Morning came.
-Again, you hopeless drunk idiot, again you were plastered last night in the pub, you hopeless bastard!
-(With a surprised face) Me, dear? No way my love, I got chatting to a friend drinking just fruit juices, and then came and went to sleep, you didn't even notice, ha ha, did you?
- Oh yeah? and that's why you forgot your weelchair in the pub!

That's your come back joke??

 

[Hank Hemp]

Read this joke

Read this joke

A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him. The waitress asks for their orders. The man says, "A hamburger, fries and a coke," and turns to the ostrich, "Whats yours?" "Ill have the same," says the ostrich. A short time later the waitress returns with the order. "That will be $9.40 please," and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment. The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, "A hamburger, fries, and a coke." The ostrich says, "Ill have the same." Again the man re aches into his pocket and pays with exact change. This becomes routine until, the two enter again. "The usual?" asks the waitress. "No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato, and salad," says the man. "Same," says the ostrich. Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, "That will be $32.62." Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table. The waitress cant hold back her curiosity any longer. "Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change out of your pocket every time?" "Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there." "Thats brilliant!" says the waitress. "Most people would wish for a million dollars or something, but youll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!" "Thats right. Whether its a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there," says the man. The waitress asks, "But, sir, whats with the ostrich?" The man sighs, pauses, and answers, "My second wish was for a tall chick with a big ass and long legs who agrees with everything I say."

This falls in the funny category. Good job 5th !!!

 

[kaochiu]

It's nothing I can do to please you, mr Hemp. Just remember this is a free service, roflmao levels come only with the premium membership which I'm afraid I don't have access to. But surely you can tell them to your friends with your natural graces and make them more effective. I'll try harder. And you should too.

Like this guy that went to the doctor. He said, "I'm depressed, doc"
-So, what's it?
-As you can imagine by seeing my huge macho body, the size of my penis is not up to standards. Last time I was with a whore, instead of nicking my wallet she patted me on the back with condolences.
-Well, that's beyond psychotherapy, but let's face it: your willie is just too small. I feel like laughing at you, and I'm a pro who treated many. That small it is. If you want fun back in your life, it's surgery for you.
-I know, I know, but that must be too expensive, I'm not sure I can afford it.
-Maybe not, if you allow me to do a little experiment, consisting in using a baby elephant's trunk, which makes the perfect size for fitting a natural born stallion like you
So, the man agreed, it was that or a boring life. The operation went very well, and after a couple of weeks he was a happy man boasting in his Dave Hasselhoff' trousers. To celebrate, he called the beautifulest woman he knew and he told her the good news.
-My dick grew a lot!
She promptly agreed to have sex if he'd pay for dinner. They went into this fancy chinese, and when the starters came, the most unexpected thing happened. The little elephant's trunk that was now his penis went up, picked something from the table very quick and dissapeared again. The girl didn't notice, busy as she was with the noodles. The guy's face got rigid. Minutes later the same thing happened, again she was eating and drinking and chatting and sending whassaps and didn't notice. This happened a few more times until she saw it and couldn't repress a piercing shriek
-Have you seen that? Jeeez, show it to me again, please, show it to me again!!!
-I can't!
-Why not?
-Because there's no more room up my arse for spring rolls!

 

[dddaver]

Hi Pete! or is that re-pete?

Deja-vu all over again?

I know I'm getting old so maybe I read that 20 years ago though. Just seems recent. Fuck me.

 

[DU420]

Hi Pete! or is that re-pete?

Deja-vu all over again?

I know I'm getting old so maybe I read that 20 years ago though. Just seems recent. Fuck me.

It was a couple pages back with a husband sitting at the breakfast table getting biscuits shoved up his arse....

 

[Stoner4Life]

It was a couple pages back with a husband sitting at the breakfast table getting biscuits shoved up his arse....

yes, and if I'm not mistaken the jokes 2nd appearance was for Hanks benefit, sorta like telling him "yeah it's the same old joke now stuff it up your arse......."

 

[Stonefree69]

 

[Stoner4Life]

that's rich stonefree.

 

[Stoner4Life]

A redneck farmhand is driving 'round the farm, checking the fences.
After a few minutes he radios his boss and says, "Boss, I've got a problem. I hit a pig on the road and he's stuck in the bull-bars of my truck. He's still wriggling - what should I do?"
"In the back of your truck there's a shotgun. Shoot the pig in the head and when it stops wriggling you can pull it out and throw it in a bush."
The farm worker says okay and signs off. About 10 minutes later he radios back. "Boss I did what you said, I shot the pig and dragged it out and threw it in a bush."
"So what's the problem now?" his Boss snapped.
"The blue light on his motorcycle's still flashing."

 

[kaochiu]

Anyway, it's the joke's thread, innit? Some are bound to be repeated in a different light, like magic tricks. I'm not a joke inventor, nor I see many original jokes here, but as i can see most of them are international, anyway. Whether it's Irish, Basque or from Idaho, sure will be the one who jumps without the parachute. So, let's keep on trying. Hope this one is not repeated:

Two friends find a genie lamp. They suddenly become rivals as to who has the right to rub it first and start pulling from each side. With the shaking the genie appears, and tells them not to fight, as he'll grant a wish to each. Still wary of each other, they tell their wish to the genie in a whisper as to the other not hearing it.
Next day they meet again in the street. One says
- Shit fuck deaf bastard genie, I've asked him to find my house full of money on my return and when I went there it was full of honey! fuckin sticky useless honey! what a mess to clean!
The other one pulls his trousers down and shows a huge horrible parasite hooked to his testicles
- Big deal! Do you think I've asked him for the biggest tick in town?