The joke thread, cause we all need to laugh!!!!!!

[Chamba]

So who said global warming was bad? ;-P

(and the loud mouthed heckler in the 5th row stands up and yells out)

"yeah and who said this was a joke thread!"

 

[Chamba]

"Yo mama is so fat!"

"how fat?"

"she's so fat that when she sits around the house, she actually sits AROUND the house"

 

[Harry Gypsna]

Your Mum's so fat, when she speaks to the person in the next seat at the football stadium, she has to use a Megaphone.

 

[messn'n'gommin']

A man is severly injured in a car wreck and when the wife arrives at the hospital, she's told that he's lost his penis and all they have to graft on is an elephant's trunk. She gives the ok and after a successful surgery and convalescence, he was given the go ahead to use it as normal.

Needless to say, the wife was well pleased! When he got up that morning, he found her in the kitchen cooking breakfast. She got him a cup of coffee and placed a platter of biscuits on the table and went back to cooking. Out the corner of her eye, she saw the trunk reach up and grab a biscuit before it disappeared under the table. She didn't know what to think so she pretended she hadn't noticed.

But, when it happened again, the husband jumped up and shouted, "That's enough! Honey, give me that butcher knife...I'm cuttin' this thing off!"

The wife seeing a new friend about to go, stammered, "It's ok honey...we can put up with a few quirks!"

Replied the husband, "That's easy for you to say, it's not stuffin' them up your ass!"

 

[GET MO]

good one.

 

[GET MO]

she asked me y I didn't call her.... "Bitch I can smell yo breath over the phone! Let me text you a tictac..."
True story.

 

[Hank Hemp]

And you talked to her like that?

 

[Iffy]

Long-term Love

An elderly lady was invited to an old friend’s home for dinner one evening. She was impressed by the way her friend preceded every request to her husband with endearing terms such as: Honey, My Love, Darling, Sweetheart, etc.
The couple had been married almost 70 years and, clearly, she was still very much in love. While the husband was in the living room, the friend leaned over to her hostess and said:
'I think it's wonderful that, after all these years, you still call your husband such loving names.'
The elderly lady hung her head. 'I have to tell you the truth,' she said, 'his name slipped my mind about a year ago and I'm scared to death to ask the cranky old asshole what it is.'

 

[Princess Vahall]

A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen
mask over his mouth and nose. A young student nurse appears and
gives him a partial sponge bath.

"Nurse,"' he mumbles from behind the mask, "are my testicles black?"
...
Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only
here to wash your upper body and feet."

He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, please check for me. Are my
testicles black?"

Concerned that he might elevate his blood pressure and heart rate
from worrying about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment
and pulls back the covers.
She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles
gently in the other.

She looks very closely and says, "There's nothing wrong with them,
Sir. They look fine."

The man slowly pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her, and says
very slowly, "Thank you very much. That was wonderful. Now listen
very, very closely:

Are - my - test - results - back?"See More

 

[Stonefree69]

Your Mum's so fat, when she speaks to the person in the next seat at the football stadium, she has to use a Megaphone.

Yo mama's so fat when she gets sucked into a black hole there's a big bang.

 

[Harry Gypsna]

Yo mama's so fat when she gets sucked into a black hole there's a big bang.

Your Mum's so fat, when she goes to the toilet, she has to use a compass to locate her arse.

 

[DIDM]

something I read here, it's not really a joke, but it's funny as hell



I remember when sex was safe and growing pot in California was sketchy

 

[McNerdius]

sunlight is really just god lighting his farts... the ultimate in High Intensity Discharge.

all the better to grow with...

or some more-funny combinations of the above ideas, i am really really really stoned

 

[kaochiu]

A tired door to door salesman calls at a random house and a very strange kid with a twisted face opens the door, speaking like if having steel bearings in the mouth
- Wot do you want, mistah
- Is your daddy or your mummy home?
- No, but I 'ave an older brudda
- Ok, can you call him for me, please?
Another even weirder kid comes out with a funny limping and diagonal shoulders shaking wall to wall, and with a strange slurr asks something like
-Grflx vat u vant wooorrr?
- oh for chrissake, is there anybody older in the house?
-Grflx got older brudda wooorrr!
This time there's this kinda human but-for-one-gene guy of about 17 arriving in all fours, having two eyes, nose and mouth but placed in different order over a wobbling meat shape
- gllgl ot u want ggllgl ot u want glll???
- What is this? Ain't nobody in the household I can talk like normal? Is everyone as weird in this family?
- gggglll me oldestest brudda's in Harvard uni gggglll
- Holy Mother of God! At least a clever one! And out of curiosity, what does he do?
- ggggglll nuthin' much, he's in a glassss jarrrrr!

 

[5th]

A guy is walking down the street and enters a clock and watch shop. While looking around, he notices a drop dead gorgeous female clerk behind the counter. He walks up to the counter where she is standing, unzips his pants, flops his chop out and and places it on the counter. "What are you doing, Sir?", she asks. "This is a clock shop!!" He replied, "I know it is and I would like 2 hands and a face put on this!"

 

[Harry Gypsna]

A man goes to the doctor, and says "Doc, help me, I've got a steering wheel on the end of my knob."
"Really, let's have a look then" says the doc. He inspects the appendage and says, "Yes, I see, is it causing you any difficulty going to the toilet or having sex?" and the man replies "No, but it's driving me nuts."

 

[Hank Hemp]

Good effort there kaochiu, everything but a punchline, nice try I guess. Anywho you tried. I guess. Anyway, better luck next time.

 

[sunset limited]

Q: WHY DON'T THEY EAT HIPPIES?


A: YOU EVER TRY TO CLEAN ONE OF THOSE FUCKERS?

 

[kaochiu]

Good effort there kaochiu, everything but a punchline, nice try I guess. Anywho you tried. I guess. Anyway, better luck next time.

Ok, ok, i'll just keep trying. It's difficult to find nowadays good comedians. See this example, Lavern Harvell and Tony Pietroantonio, only one of them is a stand-up.

 

[Harry Gypsna]

A guy goes into a Computer shop to check out the latest PC, and as he is browsing, a beautiful young store assistant walks up to him. She opens her blouse, grabs his hands and places them on her Breasts for 5 seconds, then she walks away. Stunned, them man watches as she walks up to another customer and does the same thing, then another and then another. Concerned for her wellbeing, he speaks to the store manager.
"It's simple sir.", says the manager "She had cosmetic surgery, and we upgraded her. Now she is equipped with the very latest RAM"
"The latest RAM?" queries the man.
"Random Access Mammaries sir" replies the manager.