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G
greenmatter
thats harsh dudebut what happened was i told sunset limited's flight attendant joke to someone and they laughed their ass off and then said "i got one for you" ..........
i thought of you when i heard it
..... knew it would be like a ray of sunshine in your day
A white rhino enters a Frisco dispensary.
- I want a pound of good strong grass.
The attendant had never seen a rhino in his life, let alone a white one. Yet he decides to play it cool
- Sure, mister, which kind would you like best? Midself? Topself? We even got a brand called after you!
The rhino looks very surprised and asks shily
- Are you sure you have a brand called Horace Hamilton?
A just-married blonde surfer is just about to reach the top of a 30ft wave, when suddenly a huge figure emerges shining with a double file of the sharpest teeth
-A great white shaaaark!!!
And the shark screams back
-A white widooow!!!
A guy drives his car smoking a fat joint of stinky skunk, when suddenly he sees a skunk going across the road. He stops the car and asks the animal
-Hey, brudda skunk, gotta question for ya. Tis very strong and good skunk stinks, but you also stink. Now, can you tell me please what smells the stinkiest, you or your vegetable version?
The skunk thinks for a moment, smells the bud he is offering for comparison, skins it up, lights it smelling the smoke and eventually says
-Definitely me, if I fart I am a lot stinkier than that.
And that's the origin of "Roadkill Skunk"
- I want a pound of good strong grass.
The attendant had never seen a rhino in his life, let alone a white one. Yet he decides to play it cool
- Sure, mister, which kind would you like best? Midself? Topself? We even got a brand called after you!
The rhino looks very surprised and asks shily
- Are you sure you have a brand called Horace Hamilton?
A just-married blonde surfer is just about to reach the top of a 30ft wave, when suddenly a huge figure emerges shining with a double file of the sharpest teeth
-A great white shaaaark!!!
And the shark screams back
-A white widooow!!!
A guy drives his car smoking a fat joint of stinky skunk, when suddenly he sees a skunk going across the road. He stops the car and asks the animal
-Hey, brudda skunk, gotta question for ya. Tis very strong and good skunk stinks, but you also stink. Now, can you tell me please what smells the stinkiest, you or your vegetable version?
The skunk thinks for a moment, smells the bud he is offering for comparison, skins it up, lights it smelling the smoke and eventually says
-Definitely me, if I fart I am a lot stinkier than that.
And that's the origin of "Roadkill Skunk"
If someone throws a rock at you and knocks you off your donkey are you considered stoned off your ass?
G
greenmatter
is that joke or a deep stoner thought ????
where the hell is my grinder???
where the hell is my grinder???
Wrong thread...sorry 
yo stop me if you heard this one.
A string walks into a bar with a few friends and orders a beer. The bartender says, "I'm sorry, but we don't serve strings here."
The string goes back to his table. He ties himself in a loop and messes up the top of his hair. He walks back up to the bar and orders a beer.
The bartender squints at him and says, "Hey, aren't you a string?"
The string says, "Nope, I'm a frayed knot."
bite it you scum!
A string walks into a bar with a few friends and orders a beer. The bartender says, "I'm sorry, but we don't serve strings here."
The string goes back to his table. He ties himself in a loop and messes up the top of his hair. He walks back up to the bar and orders a beer.
The bartender squints at him and says, "Hey, aren't you a string?"
The string says, "Nope, I'm a frayed knot."
bite it you scum!
[iframe1]tw10xa_xtNg[/iframe1]
Husband and wife are sitting quietly in bed reading when the Wife looks over
at him and asks the question....
WIFE: "What
would you do if I died? Would you get married
Again?"
HUSBAND:
"Definitely not!"
WIFE: "Why not?
Don't you like being married?"
HUSBAND: "Of
course I do.."
WIFE: "Then why
wouldn't you remarry? "
HUSBAND: "Okay,
okay, I'd get married again."
WIFE: "You
would?" (with a hurt look)
HUSBAND: (makes
audible groan)
WIFE: "Would
you live in our house?"
HUSBAND: "Sure,
it's a great house."
WIFE: "Would
you sleep with her in our bed?"
HUSBAND: "Where
else would we sleep?"
WIFE: "Would
you let her drive my car?"
HUSBAND:
"Probably, it is almost new."
WIFE: "Would
you replace my pictures with hers?"
HUSBAND: "That
would seem like the proper thing to do."
WIFE: "Would
you give her my jewelry?"
HUSBAND: "No, I'm
sure she'd want her own."
WIFE: "Would
you take her golfing with you?
HUSBAND: "Yes,
those are always good times."
WIFE: "Would
she use my clubs?
HUSBAND: "No,
she's left-handed."
WIFE: --
silence --
HUSBAND:
"shit."
at him and asks the question....
WIFE: "What
would you do if I died? Would you get married
Again?"
HUSBAND:
"Definitely not!"
WIFE: "Why not?
Don't you like being married?"
HUSBAND: "Of
course I do.."
WIFE: "Then why
wouldn't you remarry? "
HUSBAND: "Okay,
okay, I'd get married again."
WIFE: "You
would?" (with a hurt look)
HUSBAND: (makes
audible groan)
WIFE: "Would
you live in our house?"
HUSBAND: "Sure,
it's a great house."
WIFE: "Would
you sleep with her in our bed?"
HUSBAND: "Where
else would we sleep?"
WIFE: "Would
you let her drive my car?"
HUSBAND:
"Probably, it is almost new."
WIFE: "Would
you replace my pictures with hers?"
HUSBAND: "That
would seem like the proper thing to do."
WIFE: "Would
you give her my jewelry?"
HUSBAND: "No, I'm
sure she'd want her own."
WIFE: "Would
you take her golfing with you?
HUSBAND: "Yes,
those are always good times."
WIFE: "Would
she use my clubs?
HUSBAND: "No,
she's left-handed."
WIFE: --
silence --
HUSBAND:
"shit."
C
Chamba
Here's a gag I just thought up......
"I just saw a new release at my local bookstore, it was called " Ventriloquism for Dummies........."
I got a little giggle out of that...then I did a Google search and there's heaps of books, youtube vids and other references to it ...lol...talk about a big deflation, hmmmm it's definitely getting harder to be original nowadays!
and talking about original, there's hardly a page in this thread that doesn't have a repeated joke....but that's cool, I can read and enjoy a well written joke again and again every six months.
"I just saw a new release at my local bookstore, it was called " Ventriloquism for Dummies........."
I got a little giggle out of that...then I did a Google search and there's heaps of books, youtube vids and other references to it ...lol...talk about a big deflation, hmmmm it's definitely getting harder to be original nowadays!
and talking about original, there's hardly a page in this thread that doesn't have a repeated joke....but that's cool, I can read and enjoy a well written joke again and again every six months.
IRISH DIET
An Irishman was terribly overweight, so his doctor put him on a diet.
"I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a day,then eat regularly again for 2 days then skip a day ...... And repeat this procedure for 2 weeks". The doctor told him gravely. "The next time I see you, you should have lost at least 5 pounds".
When the Irishman returned, he shocked the doctor by having lost nearly 60lbs!
"Why, that's amazing!' the doctor said, 'Did you follow my instructions?"
The Irishman nodded ... "I'll tell you though, by jaesuz Doctor, I t'aut I was going to drop dead on dat 3rd day"!
"From the hunger, you mean?" Asked the doctor.
"No-no, from all the feckin' skippin"!!
An Irishman was terribly overweight, so his doctor put him on a diet.
"I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a day,then eat regularly again for 2 days then skip a day ...... And repeat this procedure for 2 weeks". The doctor told him gravely. "The next time I see you, you should have lost at least 5 pounds".
When the Irishman returned, he shocked the doctor by having lost nearly 60lbs!
"Why, that's amazing!' the doctor said, 'Did you follow my instructions?"
The Irishman nodded ... "I'll tell you though, by jaesuz Doctor, I t'aut I was going to drop dead on dat 3rd day"!
"From the hunger, you mean?" Asked the doctor.
"No-no, from all the feckin' skippin"!!
A beautiful woman went to the gynecologist. The doctor took one look at the woman and all his professionalism flew out the window. He immediately told her to get undressed.
After she disrobed the doctor began to stroke her thigh. While doing so he asked her, 'Do you know what I am doing?'
'Yes,' she replied, 'You are checking for abrasions or dermatological abnormalities.'
'That's right,' said the doctor. He then began to fondle her breasts.
'Do you know what I am doing now?' he asked.
'Yes,' she said, 'You are checking for lumps which might indicate breast cancer.'
'Correct,' replied the shady doctor.
Finally, he mounted his patient and started having sexual intercourse with her. He asked, 'Do you know what I am doing now?'
'Yes,' she said, 'You're getting herpes which is why I came here in the first place.'
After she disrobed the doctor began to stroke her thigh. While doing so he asked her, 'Do you know what I am doing?'
'Yes,' she replied, 'You are checking for abrasions or dermatological abnormalities.'
'That's right,' said the doctor. He then began to fondle her breasts.
'Do you know what I am doing now?' he asked.
'Yes,' she said, 'You are checking for lumps which might indicate breast cancer.'
'Correct,' replied the shady doctor.
Finally, he mounted his patient and started having sexual intercourse with her. He asked, 'Do you know what I am doing now?'
'Yes,' she said, 'You're getting herpes which is why I came here in the first place.'
Mr. Jones gets a call from the hospital. They tell him his wifes been in a terrible car accident. He rushes to the hospital, runs into the ER and says his wifes been in an accident. They tell him Dr. Smith is handling the case. They page the doctor. He comes out to the waiting room to see a terribly upset Mr. Jones.
"Mr. Jones?" the doctor asks. "Yes sir, whats happened? How is my wife?" The doctor sits next to him and says, "Not good news. Your wifes accident resulted in two fractures of her spine."
"Oh my God" says Mr. Jones, "what will be her prognosis?" Dr. Smith says "Well, Mr. Jones, her vital signs are stable. However, her spine is inoperable. Shell have no motor skills or capability. This means you will have to feed her." Mr. Jones begins to sob. "And youll have to turn her in her bed every two hours to prevent pneumonia."
Mr. Jones begins to wail and cry loudly. "Then, of course," the doctor continued, "youll have to diaper her as she'll have no control over her bladder and of course these diapers must be changed at least five times a day." Mr. Jones begins to shake as he cries, sobs, wails.
The doctor continues: "And youll have to clean up her feces on a regular basis as shell have no control over her sphincters. Her bowel will engorge whenever and quite often Im afraid. Of course you must clean her immediately to avoid accumulation of the putrid effluent shell be emitting regularly."
Now Mr. Jones is convulsing sobbing uncontrollably and beginning to wither off the bench into a sobbing pitiful mass. Just then Dr. Smith reaches out his hand and pats Mr. Jones on the shoulder. "Hey, Im just fucking with you, shes dead."
"Mr. Jones?" the doctor asks. "Yes sir, whats happened? How is my wife?" The doctor sits next to him and says, "Not good news. Your wifes accident resulted in two fractures of her spine."
"Oh my God" says Mr. Jones, "what will be her prognosis?" Dr. Smith says "Well, Mr. Jones, her vital signs are stable. However, her spine is inoperable. Shell have no motor skills or capability. This means you will have to feed her." Mr. Jones begins to sob. "And youll have to turn her in her bed every two hours to prevent pneumonia."
Mr. Jones begins to wail and cry loudly. "Then, of course," the doctor continued, "youll have to diaper her as she'll have no control over her bladder and of course these diapers must be changed at least five times a day." Mr. Jones begins to shake as he cries, sobs, wails.
The doctor continues: "And youll have to clean up her feces on a regular basis as shell have no control over her sphincters. Her bowel will engorge whenever and quite often Im afraid. Of course you must clean her immediately to avoid accumulation of the putrid effluent shell be emitting regularly."
Now Mr. Jones is convulsing sobbing uncontrollably and beginning to wither off the bench into a sobbing pitiful mass. Just then Dr. Smith reaches out his hand and pats Mr. Jones on the shoulder. "Hey, Im just fucking with you, shes dead."
A young man and his date were parked on a back road some distance from town. They were about to have sex when the girl stopped.
"I really should have mentioned this earlier, but Im actually a hooker and I charge $20 for sex." The man reluctantly paid her, and they did their thing.
After a cigarette, the man just sat in the drivers seat looking out the window. "Why arent we going anywhere?" asked the girl.
"Well, I should have mentioned this before, but Im actually a taxi driver, and the fare back to town is $25..."
"I really should have mentioned this earlier, but Im actually a hooker and I charge $20 for sex." The man reluctantly paid her, and they did their thing.
After a cigarette, the man just sat in the drivers seat looking out the window. "Why arent we going anywhere?" asked the girl.
"Well, I should have mentioned this before, but Im actually a taxi driver, and the fare back to town is $25..."
