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How did Helen Keller burn her face?
She answered the iron.
She answered the iron.
Picture for grandma
Man moves into a nudist colony. He receives a letter from his grandmother asking him to send her a current photo of himself in his new location.
Too embarrassed to let her know that he lives in a nudist colony, he cuts a photo in half, but accidentally sends her the bottom half of the picture.
He is really worried when he realizes that he has sent the wrong half. But then he remembers how bad his grandmother's eyesight is and hopes she won't notice.
A few weeks later, he receives a letter from his grandmother. It says:
"Thank you for the picture. You should change your hair style... it makes your nose look too short."
Man moves into a nudist colony. He receives a letter from his grandmother asking him to send her a current photo of himself in his new location.
Too embarrassed to let her know that he lives in a nudist colony, he cuts a photo in half, but accidentally sends her the bottom half of the picture.
He is really worried when he realizes that he has sent the wrong half. But then he remembers how bad his grandmother's eyesight is and hopes she won't notice.
A few weeks later, he receives a letter from his grandmother. It says:
"Thank you for the picture. You should change your hair style... it makes your nose look too short."
B
blue green
A horse walks into a bar, and the barman says 'Why the long face?'
the wife was whining about this naggging headache...I tried to comfort her by saying "it's OK honey, it's just stupid trying to get out". it gets cold in the garage at night.
true story btw
true story btw
A guy goes to buy a train ticket, and the girl selling tickets has an incredible set of cans.
He says, "Give me two pickets to Titsburgh...umm...I mean, two tickets to Pittsburgh."
He's really embarrassed, so the guy in line behind him tries to cheer him up. "Relax, pal, we all make Freudian slips like that. Just the other day at the breakfast table I meant to say to my wife, 'Please pass the sugar,' but I accidentally said, 'You fucking bitch, you wrecked my life.'"
He says, "Give me two pickets to Titsburgh...umm...I mean, two tickets to Pittsburgh."
He's really embarrassed, so the guy in line behind him tries to cheer him up. "Relax, pal, we all make Freudian slips like that. Just the other day at the breakfast table I meant to say to my wife, 'Please pass the sugar,' but I accidentally said, 'You fucking bitch, you wrecked my life.'"
Little Johny was in his front yard,standing by an old oak tree,peeing on it. Molly the neighbor girl sees him and asks"What's that"(pointing at his penis)
Johny says,That my little white mouse.
Molly thinks for a moment and lifts her skirt up and says" Sickem Pussy Sickem!....
Johny says,That my little white mouse.
Molly thinks for a moment and lifts her skirt up and says" Sickem Pussy Sickem!....
Y'all see
Y'all see
Y'all see
the wife was whining about this naggging headache...I tried to comfort her by saying "it's OK honey, it's just stupid trying to get out". it gets cold in the garage at night.
trichryder can tell a funny joke from time to time but it's my lot in life to see that he always tells a good one. Yes I know it's a thankless job but someone has to do it. Or thread would be overrun with Helen Keller and Little Johnny jokes.
apparently you can't make jokes about fucking children in this thread without the mods getting their panties in a bunch. tough fucking crowd. anyways...
Little Johnny catches his father opening a rubber.
He says, "What are you doin', Pop?"
His father says, "Well son, I'm going to try to catch a rat."
Johnny says, "Yeah? What are you going to do when you catch it? Fuck it?"
Little Johnny catches his father opening a rubber.
He says, "What are you doin', Pop?"
His father says, "Well son, I'm going to try to catch a rat."
Johnny says, "Yeah? What are you going to do when you catch it? Fuck it?"
I don't think fucking children is appropriate anyway avant. Just kidding.
Execution
Three women were about to be executed. One was a brunette, one a redhead, and the other a blonde.
The guard brought the first woman, the brunette, forward and the executioner asked if she had any last requests. She said no, and the executioner shouted: "... Ready ... Aim ... !! and suddenly the brunette yelled, "EARTHQUAKE!".
Everyone was startled and looked around. She escaped. So they brought up the redhead and asked if she had any last requests. She said no, and the executioner shouted: "... Ready ... Aim ...!! and suddenly the redhead yelled "TORNADO!"
Everyone was startled and looked around. She escaped. By now, the blonde had it all figured out. They brought her forward and the executioner asked if she had any last requests. She said no and the executioner shouted: "... Ready ... Aim ... !! and the blonde yelled, "FIRE!"
Okay whatever just happened in here sounds like it sucked.
Back on track.
Congress
Back on track.
Congress
A woman recently lost her husband. She had him cremated and brought his ashes home. Picking up the urn that he was in, she poured him out on the counter...
Then, while tracing her fingers in the ashes, she started talking to him. "Irving, you know that fur coat you promised me? I bought it with the insurance money!"
"Irving, remember that new car you promised me? Well, I also bought it with the insurance money!"
"Irving, that emerald necklace you promised me? I bought it, too, with the insurance money."
Still tracing her finger in the ashes, she said, "Irving, remember that blow job I promised you? Here it comes.
Then, while tracing her fingers in the ashes, she started talking to him. "Irving, you know that fur coat you promised me? I bought it with the insurance money!"
"Irving, remember that new car you promised me? Well, I also bought it with the insurance money!"
"Irving, that emerald necklace you promised me? I bought it, too, with the insurance money."
Still tracing her finger in the ashes, she said, "Irving, remember that blow job I promised you? Here it comes.
If you don't want an answer don't ask the question!
Two hours into my first day of work as a WalMart greeter, an ugly woman came in with her two kids.
Hearing her swear at them, I said, "Good morning, welcome to WalMart. Nice kids, are they twins?"
The mom answered, "Hell no, they ain't twins. The oldest one's 9, and the other one's 7. Why would you think they're twins? Are you blind or stupid?"
I replied, "I'm not blind or stupid. I just couldn't believe someone slept with you twice. Have a good day, and thank you for shopping at WalMart."
My supervisor said I probably wasn't cut out for this line of work.
Making love on anniversary
An elderly couple is enjoying a 50 year anniversary dinner together in a small tavern. The husband leans over and asks his wife, “Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years a go? We went behind this tavern where you leaned against the fence and I made love to you.”
“Yes,” she says, “I remember it well.”
“Ok,” he says, “How about taking a stroll round there again and we can do it for old time’s sake.”
“Oooooooh Charlie, you devil, that sounds like a good idea.”
There’s a police officer sitting in the next booth listening to all this, and having a chuckle to himself. He thinks, “I’ve got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I’ll just keep an eye on them so there’s no trouble.”
So he follows them. They walk haltingly along, leaning on each other for support, aided by walking sticks. They finally get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence. The old lady lifts her skirt, takes her knickers down and the old man drops his trousers. She turns around and as she hangs on to the fence, the old man moves in.
Suddenly, they erupt into the most furious sex that the watching policeman has ever seen. They are bucking and jumping like eighteen-year-olds. This goes on for about forty minutes. She’s yelling, “Ohhh, God!” He’s hanging on to her hips for dear life. This is the most athletic sex imaginable. Finally, they both collapse panting on the ground. The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life that he didn’t know.
After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on. The Policeman, still watching, thinks that was truly amazing. He was going like a train. I’ve got to ask him what his secret is.
As the couple passes, he says to them, “That was something else. You must have been having sex for about forty minutes. How do you manage it? You must have had a fantastic life together. Is there some sort of secret?”
The old man says, “Fifty years ago that wasn’t an electric fence!”
Two hours into my first day of work as a WalMart greeter, an ugly woman came in with her two kids.
Hearing her swear at them, I said, "Good morning, welcome to WalMart. Nice kids, are they twins?"
The mom answered, "Hell no, they ain't twins. The oldest one's 9, and the other one's 7. Why would you think they're twins? Are you blind or stupid?"
I replied, "I'm not blind or stupid. I just couldn't believe someone slept with you twice. Have a good day, and thank you for shopping at WalMart."
My supervisor said I probably wasn't cut out for this line of work.
Making love on anniversary
An elderly couple is enjoying a 50 year anniversary dinner together in a small tavern. The husband leans over and asks his wife, “Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years a go? We went behind this tavern where you leaned against the fence and I made love to you.”
“Yes,” she says, “I remember it well.”
“Ok,” he says, “How about taking a stroll round there again and we can do it for old time’s sake.”
“Oooooooh Charlie, you devil, that sounds like a good idea.”
There’s a police officer sitting in the next booth listening to all this, and having a chuckle to himself. He thinks, “I’ve got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I’ll just keep an eye on them so there’s no trouble.”
So he follows them. They walk haltingly along, leaning on each other for support, aided by walking sticks. They finally get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence. The old lady lifts her skirt, takes her knickers down and the old man drops his trousers. She turns around and as she hangs on to the fence, the old man moves in.
Suddenly, they erupt into the most furious sex that the watching policeman has ever seen. They are bucking and jumping like eighteen-year-olds. This goes on for about forty minutes. She’s yelling, “Ohhh, God!” He’s hanging on to her hips for dear life. This is the most athletic sex imaginable. Finally, they both collapse panting on the ground. The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life that he didn’t know.
After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on. The Policeman, still watching, thinks that was truly amazing. He was going like a train. I’ve got to ask him what his secret is.
As the couple passes, he says to them, “That was something else. You must have been having sex for about forty minutes. How do you manage it? You must have had a fantastic life together. Is there some sort of secret?”
The old man says, “Fifty years ago that wasn’t an electric fence!”
N
noyd666
where do you find a dog with no legs?
where ya left him.
where ya left him.
A couple of redneck men in a pickup truck drove into a lumberyard. One of the blonde men walked in the office and said, "We need some four-by-twos."
The clerk said, "You mean two-by-fours, don't you?"
The man said, "I'll go check," and went back to the truck. He returned a minute later and said, "Yeah, I meant two-by-fours."
"All right. How long do you need them?"
The customer paused for a minute and said, "I'd better go check."
After a while, the customer returned to the office and said, "A long time. We're gonna build a house."
The clerk said, "You mean two-by-fours, don't you?"
The man said, "I'll go check," and went back to the truck. He returned a minute later and said, "Yeah, I meant two-by-fours."
"All right. How long do you need them?"
The customer paused for a minute and said, "I'd better go check."
After a while, the customer returned to the office and said, "A long time. We're gonna build a house."
N
noyd666
that lol fuk bought tears to the eyes.
Okay fellas, what about this one?
A bear wakes up from hibernation and wanders off down to the water hole scratching his balls & yawning. He approaches the pond and spies a big female mountain lion stooping to drink. Well her pussy is on full show & the bear is feeling frisky. He decides to risk it & charges in. He grabs the lioness and rams it up her! She EXPLODES! The bear wakes up properly, realising he's really fucked up and scorches off into the brush, the lioness in hot pursuit! The bear crashes out of the brush into a clearing, where he sees an explorer sitting in a deck chair besides his tent. He's wearing a Pith helmet and reading a newspaper. He spots the enraged bear and runs for his life. Well the bear is quick minded and in a flash he's in the chair with the Pith helmet on and reading the paper, just as the snarling lioness leaps out of the brush. She moves towards the bear, snarling and gnashing her teeth & the newspaper in the bears' hands shakes with his fear.
"Have you seen a big stinking - soon to be dead - bear around here?" She spat at him, circling him menacingly.
"Wwwhat - the one that fucked the lioness at the wwwatering hole?" The bear stammered back. The lioness stopped dead in her tracks, hung her head & put a paw over her eyes - saying; "Oh, it's not in the fuckin papers already??"
A bear wakes up from hibernation and wanders off down to the water hole scratching his balls & yawning. He approaches the pond and spies a big female mountain lion stooping to drink. Well her pussy is on full show & the bear is feeling frisky. He decides to risk it & charges in. He grabs the lioness and rams it up her! She EXPLODES! The bear wakes up properly, realising he's really fucked up and scorches off into the brush, the lioness in hot pursuit! The bear crashes out of the brush into a clearing, where he sees an explorer sitting in a deck chair besides his tent. He's wearing a Pith helmet and reading a newspaper. He spots the enraged bear and runs for his life. Well the bear is quick minded and in a flash he's in the chair with the Pith helmet on and reading the paper, just as the snarling lioness leaps out of the brush. She moves towards the bear, snarling and gnashing her teeth & the newspaper in the bears' hands shakes with his fear.
"Have you seen a big stinking - soon to be dead - bear around here?" She spat at him, circling him menacingly.
"Wwwhat - the one that fucked the lioness at the wwwatering hole?" The bear stammered back. The lioness stopped dead in her tracks, hung her head & put a paw over her eyes - saying; "Oh, it's not in the fuckin papers already??"
