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The joke thread, cause we all need to laugh!!!!!!

MJBadger

MJBadger

Active member
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3 Lads trying to big it up at school .

1st lad . My dads a better man than your dad .
2nd lad How`s that ?
1st lad He`s gotta big cock at least 6in long
2nd lad Well my dads got an 8in cock so beat that
3rd lad Well my dads got 2 cocks
1st/2lad Nobody has two cocks , it`s bullshit
3rd lad It`s not bullshit its true i have seen it
1st/2nd we are telling you that nobody has 2 cocks
3rd lad He has , he`s got this long soft one he bangs momma with & this great big hard one he shoves in the swedish girl that lives in as a nanny .
 
Stonefree69

Stonefree69

Veg & Flower Station keeper
Veteran
Vulgar language

A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They sit down and engage in an animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say the following:

"Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come once-a-more. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come one lasta time."

"You foul-mouthed sex obsessed swine," retorted the lady indignantly.

"In this country ... we don't speak aloud in public places about our sex lives ...

"Hey, coola down lady," said the man. "Who talkin' abouta sexa? I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spella 'Mississippi'.
 
medmaker420

medmaker420

The Aardvarks LED Grow Show
Veteran
I just came up with this one yesterday. I think I came up with it at least LOL.

QUESTION:
Why did Jane ask Tarzan for a divorce?


Answer:
Because he asked her if she wanted to have a treesome
 
Harry Gypsna

Harry Gypsna

Dirty hippy Bastard
Veteran
A man in a cafe, goes to the counter and makes his order.
"I'll have a cup of tea please, and P.I.S.S..
A policeman having a snack overhears and says"Oi, enough of that sunshine!"
The man continues, and I'll have some buttered toast please C.U.N.T..
The policeman immediately arrests him, and the man is held in cells for court the next morning.
In court the magistrate listens to the policmans statement on what he heard and asks the man what he thought he was doing.
"You see, all P.I.S.S. meant was Put in some sugar"
"I see" says the magistrate, and what about C.U.N.T.?"
"Cut up nice and thin sir" replied the man.
The magistrate throws the case out and as the man leaves the court building, the policeman says "I really like how you got out that , have you got any more of those for me?"
"B.O.L.L.O.C.K.S.", says the man and the policeman asks
"Great, and what does that mean?"
and the man replies "Bollocks".
 
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Stonefree69

Stonefree69

Veg & Flower Station keeper
Veteran
Bathroom trouble

A drunk gets up from the bar and heads for the bathroom. A few minutes later, a loud, blood curdling scream is heard from the bathroom. A few minutes after that, another loud scream reverberates through the bar. The bartender goes into the bathroom to investigate why the drunk is screaming. "What's all the screaming about in there? You're scaring the customers!" "I'm just sitting here on the toilet and every time I try to flush, something comes up and squeezes the hell out of my testicles." With that, the bartender opens the door, looks in and says..."You idiot! You're sitting on the mop bucket!"


Not another word. Wait till your father comes home...

This woman had been away for two days visiting a sick friend in another city. When she returned, her little boy greeted her by saying, "Mommy, guess what! Yesterday I was playing in the closet in your bedroom and daddy came into the room with the lady next door and they got undressed and got into your bed and then daddy got on top of her..." Sonny's mother held up her hand. "Not another word. Wait till your father comes home and then I want you to tell him exactly what you've just told me." The father came home. As he walked into the house, his wife said, "I'm leaving you. I'm packing now and I'm leaving you." "But why--" asked the startled father. "Go ahead, Sonny. Tell daddy just what you told me." "Well," Sonny said, "I was playing in your bedroom closet and daddy came upstairs with the lady next door and they got undressed and got into bed and daddy got on top of her and then they did just what you did with uncle John when daddy was away last summer."
 
Hank Hemp

Hank Hemp

Active member
Veteran
Sorry Stone that last one provoked me into Jr. High mode again Little Johnny's folks can't get him to stop cussing and they've tried almost everything. So his Dad tells Mom, you ask me what I want for breakfast and I'll curse. Then you pretend to beat the heck out of me with the broom handle. Well Mom says OK but is doubtful it'll work. So in the morning Little Johnny is coming down the steps and Mom ask Dad, what would you like for breakfast, to which Dad says give me some of those motherfucking corn flakes. Well Mom beats the heck out of Dad and turns to Little Johnny and ask what would you like for breakfast? To which little Johnny replies well you can bet your god damn ass it ain't corn flakes. Now that's a classic and I don't care who you are it's funny forever.
 
Stonefree69

Stonefree69

Veg & Flower Station keeper
Veteran
Build a bridge

A man was walking along a California beach and stumbled across an old lamp. He picked it up and rubbed it and out popped a genie!

The genie said, "OK. You released me from the lamp, blah, blah blah. This is the fourth time this month and I'm getting a little sick of these wishes. So you can forget about getting three wishes. You only get one wish.

The man sat down on the beach and thought about it for awhile. Then he said, "I've always wanted to go to Hawaii; but I'm scared to fly and I get very seasick. Could you build me a bridge to Hawaii so that I can drive over there to visit?"

The genie laughed and said, "That's impossible! Think of the logistics of that! How would the supports ever reach the bottom of the Pacific? Think of how much concrete... how much steel...! No. Think of another wish."

The man tried to think of another wish. Finally, he said, "I've been married and divorced several times. My wives always said that I don't care and that I'm insensitive. So I wish that I could understand women... know how they feel inside and what they're thinking when they give me the silent treatment...know why they're crying...know what they really want when they say, 'Nothing'...know how to make them truly happy...."

The genie said, "You want that bridge two lanes or four?"
 
Stonefree69

Stonefree69

Veg & Flower Station keeper
Veteran
Stoner4Life said:
I know I like it but I'm not quite sure that this one's gonna meet with Hanks approval.......
Click to expand...
I think Hank liked it. :) BTW I also call my brother Hank, we named the family store after him: Hank's Market.

Adam_Carriker_Joke.jpg
 
T

toughmudderdave

A doctor finds himself wrestling with his conscience as he tries to reconcile having sex with one of his patients.

A little voice inside his head is telling him "Hey look...Shit happens. Don't beat yourself up over this, OK? Besides, you're single so it's not like you were cheating on anybody, right?"

But then another voice inside his head says....

"You're a veterinarian you sick bastard."
 
Stonefree69

Stonefree69

Veg & Flower Station keeper
Veteran
toughmudderdave said:
A doctor finds himself wrestling with his conscience as he tries to reconcile having sex with one of his patients.

A little voice inside his head is telling him "Hey look...Shit happens. Don't beat yourself up over this, OK? Besides, you're single so it's not like you were cheating on anybody, right?"

But then another voice inside his head says....

"You're a veterinarian you sick bastard."
Click to expand...
:laughing: Unless someone's a sheep farmer in the middle of nowhere, no 2nd thought!

KGr_Hq_JHJDg_E7z_IJHRz_QBPH0b_Qrs_KQ_60_3.jpg
 
Hank Hemp

Hank Hemp

Active member
Veteran
Borderline

Borderline

Stoner/stone I tolerated your border line jokes. Hey, somebody has to call out the border line or just bad, bad and unfunny "jokes". I didn't want the job but I had to take it. Seeing how the thread was going a few pages back. People were getting sloppy and the thread was slipping. AND it has come to my attention that there are some who like Little Johnny Jr. High School jokes. Theses will remain nameless. Some of these Little Johnny lovers have had other people post poor jokes just so I will tell a 'lil Johnny I don't want to point any fingers.:laughing: So I should end this here. So Little Johnny goes to a neighbors house and knocks on the door. The Mother answers,yes, LJ ask can Sam come out and play baseball with us? Why you know Sam has know arms or legs. Yes says Little Johnny, We want to use him for third base. I don't care who you are that's funny. :ying:
 
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Stoner4Life

Stoner4Life

Medicinal Advocate
ICMag Donor
Veteran


One day way back in the 70s I'm walking along the sidewalk on my way to the little neighborhood corner store, to get there I have to walk by The Westchester Academy for Gifted Children, you know, a school for downs syndrome kids.

As I pass I can hear them playing outside, the tall wooden fence keeps prying eyes away but I can clearly hear some of them chanting "11... 11... 11!"

Walking back home a few minutes later I can hear them chanting "13... 13... 13! ..... 13... 13... 13!!!" Curiosity gets the best of me as I decide to have a peek into their playground through a knothole in one of the boards.

As soon as I stick my eye up to the knothole one of those gifted bastards jabs a stick through it and pokes me in the friggin' eye, a HUGE cheer went up as they start chanting "14... 14... 14!!!"


 
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