The joke thread, cause we all need to laugh!!!!!!

[icred]

A farmer stopped by the local mechanic shop to have his truck fixed. They couldn't do it while he waited, so he said he didn't live far and would just walk home.

On the way home he stopped at the hardware store and bought a bucket and a gallon of paint. He then stopped by the feed store and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose. However, struggling outside the store he now had a problem - how to carry his entire purchases home.

While he was scratching his head he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost. She asked, "Can you tell me how to get to 1603 Mockingbird Lane ?" The farmer said, "Well, as a matter of fact, my farm is very close to that house. I would walk you there but I can't carry this lot."

The old lady suggested, " Why don't you put the can of paint in the bucket. Carry the bucket in one hand; put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?"

"Why thank you very much," he said and proceeded to walk the old girl home. On the way he says "Let's take my short cut and go down this alley. We'll be there in no time."

The little old lady looked him over cautiously then said, "I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and have your way with me?"

The farmer said, "Holy smokes lady! I'm carrying a bucket, an, a gallon of paint, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?"

The old lady replied, "Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the paint on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the chickens."

 

[TNTBudSticker]

I was handed a flat piece of paper that said "Gift bag".

 

[kmk420kali]

HELL TO GET OLD...


Two medical students were walking along the
street when they saw an old man walking with his legs spread apart. He was
stiff-legged and walking slowly.
One student said to his friend: "I'm sure
that poor old man has Peltry Syndrome. Those people walk just like that."
The other student says: "No, I don't think
so. The old man surely has Zovitzki Syndrome. He walks slowly and his legs
are apart, just as we learned in class."
Since they couldn't agree they decided to
ask the old man. They approached him and one of the students said to him,
"We're medical students and couldn't help but notice the way you walk, but
we couldn't agree on the syndrome you might have. Could you tell us what it
is?"
The old man said, "I'll tell you, but first
you tell me what you two fine medical students think."
The first student said, "I think it's Peltry
Syndrome."
The old man said, "You thought - but you are
wrong."
The other student said, "I think you have
Zovitzki Syndrome."
The old man said, "You thought - but you are
wrong."
So they asked him, "Well, old timer, what do
you have?"
The old man said, "I thought it was GAS -
but I was wrong, too!"

 

[BudWiz]

HELL TO GET OLD...


Two medical students were walking along the
street when they saw an old man walking with his legs spread apart. He was
stiff-legged and walking slowly.
One student said to his friend: "I'm sure
that poor old man has Peltry Syndrome. Those people walk just like that."
The other student says: "No, I don't think
so. The old man surely has Zovitzki Syndrome. He walks slowly and his legs
are apart, just as we learned in class."
Since they couldn't agree they decided to
ask the old man. They approached him and one of the students said to him,
"We're medical students and couldn't help but notice the way you walk, but
we couldn't agree on the syndrome you might have. Could you tell us what it
is?"
The old man said, "I'll tell you, but first
you tell me what you two fine medical students think."
The first student said, "I think it's Peltry
Syndrome."
The old man said, "You thought - but you are
wrong."
The other student said, "I think you have
Zovitzki Syndrome."
The old man said, "You thought - but you are
wrong."
So they asked him, "Well, old timer, what do
you have?"
The old man said, "I thought it was GAS -
but I was wrong, too!"

LOL!!!!

 

[Magic Man]

funny shit in here

 

[Sandnut]

hahaha good one

 

[Sandnut]

One day a hippie gets a ride on a public bus and sees a hot young nun. He sits down next to her and promptly asks if she would like to have sex, to which she immediately says no and walks off the bus. The bus driver leans over and says "Hey guy I know how to get that nun to have sex with you..."

Naturally the hippie asks, and the bus driver tells him that every night at midnight the nun goes to an old graveyard to pray for god to forgive her for her past, and that he should dress up like god and tell the nun she will be forgiven if she has sex with you.

The hippie gives his thanks and runs to the nearest costume shop.

Later that evening the hippie gets ready for his big night and drives down to the graveyard and sees the nun praying, on her knees. He says "Behold, I have heard your prayers and you shall be forgiven if you have sex with me!"

The nun agrees but asks if they can have anal sex in order to keep her virginity. The hippie agrees and once they are finished the hippie jumps back and pulls off his mask and says "Surpise, its me the Hippie!"

The nun jumps up and pulls off her mask and says "Surprise, its me the bus driver!"

 

[nobull56]

Puns

Puns

1. A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at him and says, "I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger."



2. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns to the other and says, "Dam!"


3. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.


4. Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, "I've lost my electron." The other says, "Are you sure?" The first replies "Yes, I'm positive."


5. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.


6. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?", they asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said, "I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer."


7. A woman delivers a set of identical twins and decides to give them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a family in Spain ; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."


8. A group of friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, a rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to "persuade" the friars to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close up shop. Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that only Hugh can prevent florist friars.


9. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and, with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him (Oh, dude, this is so bad, it's good…..) a super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.


10. And finally, there was the person who sent ten different puns to friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.

 

[RoachClip]

A man and a woman started to have sex in the middle of a dark forest. After about 15 minutes of it, the man finally gets up and says, "Damn, I wish I had a flashlight!". The woman says, "Me too, you've been eating grass for the past ten minutes!"

 

[icred]

A cowboy walked into a barber shop, sat on the barber's chair and said, "I'll have a shave and a shoe shine." The barber began to lather his face and sharpen the old straight edge while a woman with the biggest, firmest, most beautiful breasts that he had ever seen knelt down and began to shine his shoes. The cowboy said, "Young lady, you and I should go and spend some time in a hotel room."

She replied, "I'm married and my husband wouldn't like that."

The cowboy said, "Tell him you're working overtime and I'll pay you the difference."

She said, "You tell him. He is the one shaving you."

 

[Smurf]

Batman and Robin are camping in the desert, set up their tent and are asleep.
Some hours later, Batman wakes his faithful friend.

"Robin, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."
Robin replies, "I see millions of stars."

"What does that tell you?" asks Batman.
Robin ponders for a minute.

"Astronomically speaking, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets.
Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo.
Chronologically, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three.
Theologically, it's evident the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant.
Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow.
What does it tell you, Batman?"

Batman is silent for a moment, then speaks:
"Robin, you fu*king idiot, someone has stolen our tent!!"

 

[bobcat1963]

Whats the difference between an epileptic oyster shucker and a whore with diarrhea?


An epileptic oyster shucker shucks between fits.

And a whore with diarrhea fucks between shits.

 

[RoachClip]

Snowmen And Women

Whats the difference between snow men and snow women?

Snow balls.

 

[RoachClip]

Wife saves Drunk Husband

After the annual office Christmas party blow-out, John woke up with a pounding headache, cotton-mouthed, and utterly unable to recall the events of the preceding evening.

After a trip to the bathroom he was able to make his way downstairs, where his wife put some coffee in front of him.

"Louise," he moaned, "tell me what went on last night. Was it as bad as I think?"

"Even worse," she assured him in her most scornful voice. "You made a complete ass of yourself, succeeded in antagonizing the entire board of directors, and insulted the chairman of the company to his face."

"He's an arrogant, self-important prick, piss on him!"

"You did. All over his suit, " Louise informed him. "And he fired you."

"Well, screw him," said John.

"I did. You're back at work on Monday."

 

[Brother Bear]

A gynecologist had become fed up with malpractice insurance and HMO paperwork, and was burned out.



Hoping to try another career where skillful hands would be beneficial, he decided to become a mechanic. He went to the local technical college, signed up for evening classes, attended diligently, and learned all he could.

When the time of the practical exam approached, the gynecologist prepared carefully for weeks, and completed the exam with tremendous skill. When the results came back, he was surprised to find that he had obtained a score of 150%.



Fearing an error, he called the Instructor, saying, "I don't want to appear ungrateful for such an outstanding result, but I wonder if there is an error in the grade?"



"The instructor said, "During the exam, you took the engine apart perfectly, which was worth 50% of the total mark. You put the engine back together again perfectly, which is also worth 50% of the mark."



After a pause, the instructor added, "I gave you an extra 50% because you did it all through the muffler, which I've never seen done in my entire career".

 

[El_Kabong]

divorce court judge: i've decided to give your wife $350 a month alimony.

me: that's very nice of you sir, i'll try to send her a few bucks every now and again myself.

 

[Puddin'tane]

Boy asks father: "Dad, what's the difference between confident & confidential?"
Father answers: "it's like this: you are my son, of that I am confident, you know your friend Jimmy? well, he's my son too but that is confidential."

 

[Young Pumpkin]

From the days of the sony walkman

(if you can't remember music or life with out an I pod then maybe U should stop here lol

A young blond chick walks into a styling salon, she gets waited on quickly. The stylist asks to remove her headphones so he can start.

"But sir, I can't do that. Something bad will happen."

So he does the best he can, stopping 2 or 3 times to ask her to please remove her headphones so he can finish her hair. Same reply but she finally says "If I do that I might die!!!"

Well that does it thought the stylist. Frustrated beyond belief he reaches down and yanks the headphones right off of her head. She suddenly sits straight up for a second then fall over into the floor. Dead as all get out. The police come to investigate. The stylist tells them the story of the headphones. This intrigues one officer so he goes to the tape player to find it still playing. He puts on the headphones to find out what was playing only to hear the words.....

"Breathe in, breathe out, breathe in, breathe out..........."

 

[MJBadger]

A little 4yr old called David is with his mother at the supermarket checkout when he looks at the blonde standing in front of him 6ft tall , high heels & a very short miniskirt no panties so he takes a peek up . Now what he saw interested him & he shoved his little hand up to feel this furry mound when his hand dissapeared . The blonde screams & his mother turns around to see whats going on & sees David pulling his wet hand out from under her miniskirt . Mum goes ballistic & gives him an almighty crack across the head with her hand screaming at him " Never ever do that again , never put your fingers or anything else in a females thing " . "But why not mum ? " says David crying his eyes out as it`s the first time mums ever lost her temper .
Mum says "Coz theres teeth in there that will bite off anything you put in there ".
& for many years David avoids any close contact with females because it frightens him shitless to think what would happen if he ever got close to a female . He goes through his entire educational years without ever having a date as he`s too frightened . Many years go by & he reaches 30 & is one of the top Dentists in the UK with his own top practice in Harley St earning a Million a year . His top recepionist Samantha starts to fancy him & flirts outrageously to no effect , he just keeps making excuses to avoid working too closely with her . Eventually Samantha askes him for a date realiseing that he seems frightened by her , now shes wondering why . And shes also getting subtle little signals that he`s a virgin & this intrigues her . He`s 30yr old , very attractive , well educated & rich why has`nt he had sex ?
Many months later he finally gives in to her flirting & accepts her offer of a drink thinking that it will do no harm . What he did`nt realise was that Samantha was spiking his orange juice with vodka at the pub to loosen him up so when she offered to take him back to her flat for a coffee he went .
When she laced the coffee he finally loosened up & started to really talk to her & then he told her why he could`nt have sex with a woman coz of the risk of having things bit off . With that Samantha stripped naked & laid back on the bed & spread her legs wide open . David took one long look at her then ripped his trousers off & hammered into her bringing them both to a screaming orgasm .
"What made you change your mind ? " says Samantha
"Well i`m a top Harley Street Dentist " says David
"Whats being a dentist got to do with shagging me ? "

" As soon as you laid back on the bed & spread your legs i was fine about having sex with you "

"What do you mean ? "

" As soon as i saw the state of your gums i knew there`d no fooking teeth in there "


Stay green .

 

[Smurf]

A couple had been married for 50 years.

They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when the wife says, 'Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together.'

'I know,' the old man said. 'We were probably sitting here naked as a jaybird fifty years ago..'

'Well,' Granny snickered. 'Let's relive some old times.'

Where upon, the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table.

'You know, honey,' the little old lady breathlessly replied, 'My nipples are as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago.'

'I wouldn't be surprised,' replied Gramps. 'One's in your coffee and the other is in your oatmeal.