didja see the new Obama Happy Meal that McDonalds is selling? you order whatever you want, & everyone else in there has to pay for it...
Token Treasures
Member
A little girl was playing in the garden when she spied 2 spiders mating. "Daddy what are those 2 spiders doing?" she asked.
"They are mating" replied her father
"What do you call the spider on top, Daddy?" she asked.
Her dad answered "That is a daddy long legs"
"So, the other one is a mommy long legs?" she inquired.
"No" her father replied "Both are daddy long legs".
The little girl thought for a moment then stomped them flat with her foot.
"We're not having any of THAT in our garden"
"They are mating" replied her father
"What do you call the spider on top, Daddy?" she asked.
Her dad answered "That is a daddy long legs"
"So, the other one is a mommy long legs?" she inquired.
"No" her father replied "Both are daddy long legs".
The little girl thought for a moment then stomped them flat with her foot.
"We're not having any of THAT in our garden"
i stole these from tv comics "whats the difference between obamas cabinet & a penitentiary? one of them is filled with tax evaders, anarchists & menaces to society, & the other one is a prison"
"what is the difference in obama & his dog, Bo? Bo has papers..."
"what is the difference in obama & his dog, Bo? Bo has papers..."
Token Treasures
Member
A retiring farmer in preparation for the selling of his land needed to rid his farm of animals. So he went to every house in town. To the house where the man is the boss he gave a horse. To the house where the woman is the boss a chicken was given. He got towards the end of the street and saw a couple outside gardening, "Who's the boss around here?" he asked. "I am" the man replied. "I have a black horse and a brown horse," said the farmer which one would you like?" The man thought for a moment and said, "The brown one" "No, no,no get the black one" said the mans wife. "Here's your chicken" said the farmer.
Stolen from "The Green Room"
Stolen from "The Green Room"
An Australian gentleman, when asked how he ended up in rehab, said, "I woke up one morning, hungover, and my sheets and walls had been smeared with feces.
I was in such denial, that I actually checked all the doors and windows thinking someone had broken in, and gotten "artistic"."
Well, I found this quite odd enough, until another comic asked him how he would have "explained the shit smearing had he woken up with a date?
Wait for it.
He said.
"I would have angrily complained that this city has the worst damned tooth fairy ever."
Damn near pissed myself.
Aloha,
Weeze
Stolen from "The Green Room"
An Australian gentleman, when asked how he ended up in rehab, said, "I woke up one morning, hungover, and my sheets and walls had been smeared with feces.
I was in such denial, that I actually checked all the doors and windows thinking someone had broken in, and gotten "artistic"."
Well, I found this quite odd enough, until another comic asked him how he would have "explained the shit smearing had he woken up with a date?
Wait for it.
He said.
"I would have angrily complained that this city has the worst damned tooth fairy ever."
Damn near pissed myself.
Aloha,
Weeze
A young man and his date were parked on a back road some distance from town. They were about to have sex when the girl stopped.
"I really should have mentioned this earlier, but I'm actually a hooker and I charge $20 for sex." The man reluctantly paid her, and they did their thing.
After a cigarette, the man just sat in the driver's seat looking out the window. "Why aren't we going anywhere?" asked the girl.
"Well, I should have mentioned this before, but I'm actually a taxi driver, and the fare back to town is $25..."
"I really should have mentioned this earlier, but I'm actually a hooker and I charge $20 for sex." The man reluctantly paid her, and they did their thing.
After a cigarette, the man just sat in the driver's seat looking out the window. "Why aren't we going anywhere?" asked the girl.
"Well, I should have mentioned this before, but I'm actually a taxi driver, and the fare back to town is $25..."
Token Treasures
Member
R. A. P. - Retards Attempting Poetry
football joke
football joke
Osama bin Laden has just released a new TV message to prove he is still alive. He said that the England Team performance on Saturday was completely shit. British intelligence have dismissed the claim, stating that the message could have been recorded anytime in the last 44 years.
football joke
Osama bin Laden has just released a new TV message to prove he is still alive. He said that the England Team performance on Saturday was completely shit. British intelligence have dismissed the claim, stating that the message could have been recorded anytime in the last 44 years.
lol
Ha-Ha-Ha..........(slow clapping sounds)
it was funnier when julian told it, i didn't know how to type it with the accent....
Edited-Can't get the picture to load. So the original post made no sense without it. Sorry bout that.
Two rednecks are standing around one afternoon, and right between them was an ol' bulldog sitting there gratuitously licking his balls.
The one redneck says to the other in a slow southern drawl ,
" Boy, I wish I could do that."
And the other redneck says in his southern twang..
"Nawww,... that dog would bite you!"
The one redneck says to the other in a slow southern drawl ,
" Boy, I wish I could do that."
And the other redneck says in his southern twang..
"Nawww,... that dog would bite you!"
Token Treasures
Member
What do get when you cross a bull dog with a shitzu?..............Bullshit
Naa, I' a big man.....stop DROP and roll!!
Now, did the bulldog have sex with the shitzu, or just eat it?
Life in a mental hospital
A nurse walks into a room and sees a patient pretending he's driving a Truck, with his hands at 10 to 2.
The nurse asks him, 'Kenny! What are you doing?' Kenny replies, 'Can't Talk right now I'm driving to LA !'
The nurse wishes him a good trip and leaves the room.
The next day the nurse enters Kenny's room just as he stops driving his imaginary truck and she asks, 'Well Kenny , how was your trip?'
Kenny says, 'I'm exhausted, I just got into LA and I need some rest.
'That's great,' replied the nurse, 'I'm glad you had a safe trip.
The nurse leaves Kenny's room and then goes across the hall into another patients' room and finds Davo sitting on his bed masturbating vigorously.
Shocked, she shouts, 'Davo what are you doing ??'
To which Davo replies, Shhh, I'm shagging Kenny's wife while he's in LA.
A nurse walks into a room and sees a patient pretending he's driving a Truck, with his hands at 10 to 2.
The nurse asks him, 'Kenny! What are you doing?' Kenny replies, 'Can't Talk right now I'm driving to LA !'
The nurse wishes him a good trip and leaves the room.
The next day the nurse enters Kenny's room just as he stops driving his imaginary truck and she asks, 'Well Kenny , how was your trip?'
Kenny says, 'I'm exhausted, I just got into LA and I need some rest.
'That's great,' replied the nurse, 'I'm glad you had a safe trip.
The nurse leaves Kenny's room and then goes across the hall into another patients' room and finds Davo sitting on his bed masturbating vigorously.
Shocked, she shouts, 'Davo what are you doing ??'
To which Davo replies, Shhh, I'm shagging Kenny's wife while he's in LA.
Token Treasures
Member
A good marriage would be between a blind wife and deaf husband.
A teacher noticed that little Eric at the back of the class was squirming around, scratching his crotch, and not paying attention. She went back to find out what was going on. He was quite embarrassed and whispered that he had just recently been circumcised and he was quite itchy.
The teacher told him to go down to the principal's office. He was to telephone his mother and ask her what he should do about it. He did it and returned to his class. Suddenly, there was a commotion at the back of the room She went back to investigate only to find him sitting at his desk with his penis hanging out.
'I thought I told you to call your mom!' she said. 'I did,' he said, 'And she told me that if I could stick it out till noon, she'd come and pick me up from school.'
The teacher told him to go down to the principal's office. He was to telephone his mother and ask her what he should do about it. He did it and returned to his class. Suddenly, there was a commotion at the back of the room She went back to investigate only to find him sitting at his desk with his penis hanging out.
'I thought I told you to call your mom!' she said. 'I did,' he said, 'And she told me that if I could stick it out till noon, she'd come and pick me up from school.'
