The joke thread, cause we all need to laugh!!!!!!

[Dank_Indicas]

Evil Marijuana

A certain college professor was notorious for getting off the topic of the lecture, and on to his favorite subject: the evils of marijuana. Off he went one day into his inventory of horrors, "Used regularly," he explained,"pot can cause psychic disorientation, sterility, cancer and castration!" Now wait a minute, professor," interrupted a student. "Castration? Now that's absurd!" "Yes young man, it's sadly true," replied the professor smugly. "Just suppose your girlfriend gets the munchies!"

 

[Dank_Indicas]

New Strain Called:

Clitindica - grows with thin curly hairs simular to pubs and when it's cured it smells like a clean peachy twat with a bit of cherries when in flowering!

 

[Endo]

A married couple was in a terrible accident where the man's face was severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from his body because he was too skinny. So the wife offered to donate some of her own skin. However, the only skin on her body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from her buttocks.

The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and they requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter.

After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the man's new face. He looked more handsome than he ever had before! All his friends and relatives just went on and on about his youthful beauty!

One day he was alone with his wife, and he was overcome with emotion at her sacrifice. He said, 'Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. How can I possibly repay you?'

'My darling,' she replied, 'I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek.'

 

[nobull56]

A farmer named Clyde had a
car accident. In court, the trucking company's fancy hot
shot lawyer, was questioning Clyde. "Didn't you
say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm
fine,'?" asked the lawyer.


Clyde responded,
"Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just
loaded my favourite cow, Bessie, into the..."


"I didn't ask for any details", the lawyer
interrupted. "Just answer the question, please. Did
you, or did you not say, at the scene of the accident,
'I'm fine!'?"


Clyde said, "Well,
I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving
down the road...."

The lawyer interrupted again
and said, "Your Honour, I am trying to establish the
fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the
Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now
several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my
client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply
answer the question."

By this time, the Judge was
fairly interested in Clyde's answer and said to the
lawyer, "I'd like to hear what he has to say about
his favourite cow, Bessie".

Clyde thanked the Judge and proceeded. "Well, as I was saying, I had just
loaded Bessie, my favourite cow, into the trailer and was
driving her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and
trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the
side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into
the other. I was hurting, real bad and didn't want to
move. However, I could hear old Bessie moaning and groaning.
I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans. Shortly
after the accident a Highway Patrolman came on the scene. He
could hear Bessie moaning and groaning, so he went over to
her. After he looked at her, and saw her fatal condition, he
took out his gun and shot her between the eyes.

Then the Patrolman came across the road, gun still in hand, looked at
me, and said, "How are you feeling?" "Now
tell me, what the f*#k would you say?"

 

[nobull56]

Curtis & Leroy saw an ad in the Starkville Daily News Newspaper in Starkville, MS and bought a mule for $100.

The farmer agreed to deliver the mule the next day.

The next morning the farmer drove up and said, "Sorry, fellows, I have some bad news, the mule died last night."

Curtis & Leroy replied, "Well, then just give us our money back."

The farmer said, "Can't do that. I spent it already.."

They said, "OK then, just bring us the dead mule."

The farmer asked, "What in the world ya'll going to do with a dead mule?"

Curtis said, "We gonna raffle him off."

The farmer said, "You can't raffle off a dead mule!"

Leroy said, "We shore can! Heck, we don't hafta tell nobody he's dead!"

A couple of weeks later, the farmer ran into Curtis &Leroy at the Piggly Wiggly grocery store and asked.

"What'd you fellers ever do with that dead mule?"

They said,"We raffled him off like we said we wuz gonna do."

Leroy said,"Shucks, we sold 500 tickets fer two dollars apiece and made a profit of $998."

The farmer said,"My Lord, didn't anyone complain?"

Curtis said, "Well, the feller who won got upset. So we gave him his two dollars back."

Curtis and Leroy now work for the government.

They're overseeing the Bailout Program!!!

 

[bud lover]

im gunna apologise in advance for this one its my sister-in-laws fave she tells it everyone she meets then pisses herself laffin:-

whats red and invisible?.............no tomatoes.

 

[starwatcher]

A nasty one


3 gay guys sitting around in a hottub.

All of a sudden a huge clump of semen rises to the surface. One homo looks to the other and says "who farted".

 

[nobull56]

Come folks we need more laughs!!!

California vintners in the Napa Valley area, which primarily produce Pinot Blanc, Pinot Noir and Pinot Grigio wines, have developed a new hybrid grape that acts as an anti-diuretic.
It is expected to reduce the number of trips older people have to make to the bathroom during the night.

The new wine will be marketed as



PINO MORE

 

[nobull56]

THE OLD COWBOY

An old cowboy shuffled into the town of El Indio, Texas leading an
old tired mule. The old man headed straight for the only saloon in town,
to clear his parched throat. He walked up to the saloon and tied his
old mule to the hitch rail. As he stood there, brushing some of the dust
from his face and clothes, a young gunslinger stepped out of the saloon
with a gun in one hand and a bottle of whiskey in the other.

The young gunslinger looked at the old man and laughed, saying, "Hey
old man, have you ever danced?" The old man looked up at the gunslinger
and said, "No, I never did dance... never really wanted to."

A crowd had gathered as the gunslinger grinned and said, "Well, you
old fool, you're gonna' dance now," and started shooting at the old
man's feet. The old prospector, not wanting to get a toe blown
off, started hopping around like a flea on a hot skillet. Everybody was laughing,
fit to be tied.

When his last bullet had been fired, the young gunslinger, still laughing,
holstered his gun and turned around to go back into the saloon.
The old man turned to his pack mule, pulled out a double-barreled
shotgun, and cocked both hammers. The loud clicks carried clearly
through the desert air.

The crowd stopped laughing immediately. The young
gunslinger heard the sounds too, and he turned around very slowly. The silence was almost
deafening. The crowd watched as the young gunman stared at the old
timer and the large gaping holes of those twin barrels.

The barrels of the shotgun never wavered in the old man's hands, as
he quietly said, "Son, have you ever kissed a mule's a--?"

The gunslinger swallowed hard and said, "No sir..... but... I've
always wanted to."


*********** There are a few lessons for us all here ************

Never be arrogant.

Don't waste ammunition.

Whiskey makes you think you're smarter than you are.

Always, always make sure you know who has the power.

Don't mess with old men, they didn't get to be old by being

stupid.

 

[shafty420]

My friend let slip his arsehole was hurting, and I looked at him in shock.
"No, not what you're thinking, I had my arse crack waxed" he explained.

I said, "That's even more gay than what I was thinking."


Isn't it ironic that the words 'Virgin' and 'Ginger' can be easily combined to form 'Virginger', while both words remain fully intact?

It's like they were made to be used together.

I am going out with a Muslim girl at the moment and it isn't true that Muslims don't know how to enjoy themselves. She drinks like a fish and bangs like a shit house door in a gale. Her father is okay with this as well. He answered the phone when I rang this morning and we had a real friendly chat. He even told me that she was out getting stoned at the moment! That's one understanding guy.

 

[bud lover]

the wife said to me the other day "when you go to spain with the lads do you ever think about me" apparently "yeah to stop me cumin " wasnt the answer she was looking for

 

[nobull56]

An old Italian man is dying.

He calls his grandson to his bedside.. " Guido, I wan' you lissina me. I wan' you to take-a my chrome plated .38 revolver so you will always remember me."

"But grandpa, I really don't like guns. How about you leave me your Rolex watch instead?"

"You lissina me, boy. Somma day you gonna be runna da business, you gonna have a beautiful wife, lotsa money, a big-a home and maybe a couple of bambinos "

"Somma day you gonna come-a home and maybe finda you wife inna bed with another man...

"Whatta you gonna do then? Pointa to you watch and say, 'Time's Up'?"

 

[Endo]

A Texan went to Chicago and thought he would buy a new "city" outfit.
He went into Marshall Fields, and when asked by a sweet young woman if she could help him, he answered, "Yes, ma'am. Ya' see, I'm from Texas and I want to buy a complete city outfit."

Her eyes lit up as she asked, "Where would you like to start?"

"Well, ma'am, how about a suit?"
"Yes, sir. What size?"

"Size 53 tall, ma'am."

"Wow, that's really big."

"Yes, ma'am, they really grow them big in Texas ."

"What's next?" she asked.

He replied, "How about some shoes?"

"What size?"

"Size 15 double E."

"Wow, that's really big!

"Yes, ma'am. They really grow them big in Texas ."

"What's next?" "Well, I reckon I'll need a shirt."

"Yes, sir. What size?" "Nineteen and a half neck, sleeves 38," he replied.

"Wow, that's really big!"

"Yes, ma'am. They really grow them big in Texas ."

"Will there be anything else?" she asked.

"Yes, ma'am. I 'spect I'll need a hat."

"Yes, sir What size? and style?"

"Eight and five-eighths. Stetson."

"Wow, that's really big!"

"Yes, ma'am. They really grow them big in Texas ."

She virtually glowed as she asked, "Is there anything else I can do for you?"

"No ma'am, I reckon that will be all."

As the sweet young thing tallied up his bill, and as the Texan
counted out his money, she blushed and asked, "Sir, could I ask you
a question?"

"Yes, ma'am, I already know what it is. And the answer is four inches."

Astonished, she blurted out, "Why, my boyfriend is bigger than that!"

Without so much as a stutter, the Texan replied..............


"From the floor ma'am.......From the floor."

 

[Endo]

1. NO matter how hard you try, you cannot stick your tongue out and look up at the ceiling at the same time.




































2. All idiots, after reading #1 will try it.
3. And discover #1 is a lie.
4. You are smiling now because you are an idiot.
5. You soon will forward this to another idiot.
6. There is still a stupid smile on your face

 

[Mala Tempora]

Q: What's pink and fluffy and covered in cobwebs?




A: Madeleine McCann's slippers.

 

[Yes4Prop215]

This fat guy is out of shape and wants to loose weight. He hears about this crazy new weight plan that garuntees 10 pounds a week weight loss. He orders the program, and soon enough, theres a knock at his door. A super hot brunette chick is at the door, completely naked, and wearing a sign.."IF YOU CAN CATCH ME, YOU CAN HAVE ME"

He chases after her for blocks but she is always a step ahead. After chasing her for an entire week, he loses ten pounds! Amazed at the results, he wants to lose more weight. He hears another advertisement from the same company, this one there super program which garuntees a 30 pound loss in one week! He orders the program, and sure enough, the next day theres another knock on his door.



















This time its a huge buff naked guy with a sign that reads "IF I CAN CATCH YOU, YOUR MINE!!!"


lol...heard this on the radio the other day while we were smoking, had the whole car crackin up.

 

[buckeye-leaf]

little boy goes to school and he has his cat with him. the teacher asks "why did you bring your cat to school with you?" the little boy replies "dad told mom after i left for school he was gonna eat the pussy!"

 

[Endo]

Once there were two sisters.
One was fat and ugly and one was thin and beautiful.
The fat ugly sister got lots of dates, but the thin beautiful sister never got asked out.
She didnt understand it, so she decided to go to the Chinese doctor down the street.
He looked down her throat, then asked her to drop her panties.
He looked up her ass, then looked down her throat again.
The beautiful sister asked: Doctor Wu, did you find my problem?
Doctor Wu replied: Im afraid you have the Zachary syndrome my dear.
Upset at this news, the sister asked in a shaky voice: The Zachary syndrome!
What is the Zachary syndrome?
Doctor Wu replied: Your breath smells zachary like your asshole!

 

[Endo]

The History of the Middle Finger

Well, now......here's something I never knew before, and now that I know it, I feel compelled to send it on to my more intelligent friends in the hope that they, too, will feel edified. Isn't history more fun when you know something about it?

Before the Battle of Agincourt in 1415, the French, anticipating victory over the English, proposed to cut off the middle finger of all captured English soldiers. Without the middle finger it would be impossible to draw the renowned English longbow and therefore they would be incapable of fighting in the future. This famous English longbow was made of the native English Yew tree, and the act of drawing the longbow was known as "plucking the yew" (or "pluck yew").

Much to the bewilderment of the French, the English won a major upset and began mocking the French by waving their middle fingers at the defeated French, saying, See, we can still pluck yew!

Since 'pluck yew' is rather difficult to say, the difficult consonant cluster at the beginning has gradually changed to a labiodentals fricative F', and thus the words often used in conjunction with the one-finger-salute!

It is also because of the pheasant feathers on the arrows used with the longbow that the symbolic gesture is known as "giving the bird."

IT IS STILL AN APPROPRIATE SALUTE TO THE FRENCH TODAY!

And yew thought yew knew every plucking thing!

 

[genkisan]

A Texan went to Chicago and thought he would buy a new "city" outfit.
He went into Marshall Fields, and when asked by a sweet young woman if she could help him, he answered, "Yes, ma'am. Ya' see, I'm from Texas and I want to buy a complete city outfit."

Her eyes lit up as she asked, "Where would you like to start?"

"Well, ma'am, how about a suit?"
"Yes, sir. What size?"

"Size 53 tall, ma'am."

"Wow, that's really big."

"Yes, ma'am, they really grow them big in Texas ."

"What's next?" she asked.

He replied, "How about some shoes?"

"What size?"

"Size 15 double E."

"Wow, that's really big!

"Yes, ma'am. They really grow them big in Texas ."

"What's next?" "Well, I reckon I'll need a shirt."

"Yes, sir. What size?" "Nineteen and a half neck, sleeves 38," he replied.

"Wow, that's really big!"

"Yes, ma'am. They really grow them big in Texas ."

"Will there be anything else?" she asked.

"Yes, ma'am. I 'spect I'll need a hat."

"Yes, sir What size? and style?"

"Eight and five-eighths. Stetson."

"Wow, that's really big!"

"Yes, ma'am. They really grow them big in Texas ."

She virtually glowed as she asked, "Is there anything else I can do for you?"

"No ma'am, I reckon that will be all."

As the sweet young thing tallied up his bill, and as the Texan
counted out his money, she blushed and asked, "Sir, could I ask you
a question?"

"Yes, ma'am, I already know what it is. And the answer is four inches."

Astonished, she blurted out, "Why, my boyfriend is bigger than that!"

Without so much as a stutter, the Texan replied..............


"From the floor ma'am.......From the floor."

The punchline for this should be:

"In width Ma'm...in width....kinda like a tuna can..."