Dealing with passive aggressive friends

[TroubleGuy]

I'm taking a break from my research on other things to try and spark up a discussion here about our favorite kind of people!

You know the type - they say they aren't mad but act the opposite. Sometimes they aren't mad, they just feel like they're being taken advantage of but don't speak up and put a stop to it. Whatever the reason, they keep quiet about what's bothering them and usually end up taking it out in pretty childish ways instead of just saying "look man, you're pissing me off, here's why..." and dealing with the problem.

Sometimes everything seems cool, then out of nowhere they do something incredibly rude to a friend just because (quoting a friend trying to explain his dickish behavior last week) "in the end, it's my choice" - well yes it is your choice, and you can definitely do as you wish, but don't act mad when I react by telling you it's MY choice to not associate with people who do rude shit just because they can.

We all know people like that, and I don't know about you, but I want my friends to behave in ways that are good for them. And being passive aggressive really isn't a good way to act, it tends to make you look like an asshole. The problem is these types of people are really hard to deal with sometimes, because they usually refuse to admit they aren't handling things the best way, and they're so closed minded they won't even TRY to see themselves from another person's point of view.

So what causes someone to act that way? Do they hate confrontation? Do they not know how to communicate what's on their mind?

How do YOU deal with these types of people?

 

[Miss Blunted]

I know that guy allllll too well. My friend like that won't ever let anyone know they've pissed him off....he just takes it and takes it and then just takes it out on his girlfriend or whoever's at the wrong place at the wrong time. People like him can't process emotions and stress very well. They need to be more assertive to the appropriate source of the problem at the time of the problem. Say what you mean and mean what you say.

Dealing with this person is absolutely impossible. He operates on a different level than most people. The smallest stress that most people can handle, he can't....then he ends up hurting and pushing people away, mostly the ones closest to him. All I can say is that his examples of how to be a human being weren't there as a kid. I sometimes feel sorry for him, but it's not like he doesn't know what he does.....he just can't help it, it's who he is. He's not exactly even a friend of mine anymore.....or to anyone but himself really.

 

[Marywanna]

Those types are too needy. You're wasting your breath,no matter WHAT you say,they won't get it.

 

[SpasticGramps]

How do YOU deal with these types of people?

IMO, some people are like that because they are insecure with themselves and/or their feelings. From my experience there isn't anything you can really do to help them.

If they can't speak what's on their mind and turn everything into stupid kid's games then.....

Hit the road jack and don't come back no more, no more, no more....

 

[Miss Blunted]

^^That's exactly what you will have to do.....these people are grown-up 5 year olds that can do damage, so ditch em.

 

[Hal]

Gramps...ya meanin this here road?



We're all a bit off, in one way or another (confounded brain chemistry!), all have our own bumpy roads we must traverse getting through life. For some unfortunate folks, though, this photo illustrates the road they must hoe.

Gotta have some sympathy for 'em, but like you said, we can't let them drag us down into their personal hell.

 

[TroubleGuy]

Kinda cool to see I handle it the same way as others do. I used to think I was over-reacting when I'd tell people like that to kick rocks. But after cutting ties with several people like that, I'm glad I did. Life might be a little more lonely but at least I'm not still surrounded by douchebags with no drive to make something of their lives.

To be honest, I used to be a pretty passive aggressive guy, and I chalk it up to immaturity. And Blunted, you hit the nail on the head when you said "his examples of how to be a human being weren't there as a kid," at least that's how it was for me. But I managed to fuck up royally a few times, learn from it, and try hard to keep it from repeating. After all, insanity is repeating the same action over and over and expecting different results, so any sane person, regardless of the examples (or lack of examples) provided to them as a child, should be able to see the error in their ways and correct the problem. Right?

I wish I knew why so many people either don't try or don't care to fix their behavior.

+rep to everyone who replied

 

[Ash³]

yeah they probably hate confrontation. Some people on the internet probably think I'm passive aggressive. I'm actually just aggressive aggressive.

 

[TrichyTrichy]

passive aggressives' are energy vultures- avoid at all costs

 

[HossCartwright]

I had a roommate like that once. Would always leave me patronizing little notes all over the house reminding me to do this and that or not do something else (even when we both had similar schedules and were home at the same time). I just laughed her off. Finally she confronted me after about a year and was throwing plates she was so mad. Ended things pretty quickly. I learned two lessons in one experience. Avoid passive aggressive people, and never live with anybody you don't fuck.

 

[Ash³]

passive aggressives' are energy vultures- avoid at all costs

Energy vulture. That was well put.

 

[TroubleGuy]

and never live with anybody you don't fuck.

I had a roommate like that once too Hoss. She left notes all over the place too. She's always leave them right before she left too. Sometimes I'd be sitting in the same room, she'd say nothing, and stick a note on the table in front of me.

One day I'd had enough of her notes and I wrote one back to her. I put it on the table in front of her without saying a word and left, just like she'd been doing to me for months. Well, she didn't like that, and a week later I didn't have a roommate anymore

In case you were wondering, all my note said was "I can write notes instead of talking too! Wee!" - pretty funny how mad some people get when you mimic their behavior.

 

[TrichyTrichy]

How did it work out?

 

[Rip Bong Winkle]

My friends and I don't seem to piss each other off, I can't recall being friends with any of the type of people you described.

The reason we are friends is because we don't do shit like that... I guess it's just about being a good judge of character?

I know that guy allllll too well. My friend like that won't ever let anyone know they've pissed him off....he just takes it and takes it and then just takes it out on his girlfriend

Sounds like one of those "my friend" stories that's really about the story teller lol.

 

[Guywithoutajeep]

Yeah my last girlfriend was the queen of passive aggressive. It's no wonder that without me she was completely inept at making new friends. I would have loved to have heard some honesty come from her mouth at least one time.

It makes being single a really good thing when you leave someone who sucks so much.

 

[MaynardG_Krebs]

Shoot em.. (just kidding)

mgk

 

[Spl1fftast1ck]

So what causes someone to act that way? Do they hate confrontation? Do they not know how to communicate what's on their mind?

How do YOU deal with these types of people?

Alright I'll bite, How do you deal with these people? The same way you deal with everyone else. Someone else being himself/herself doesn't change who you are, so you hate the passive aggressive actions of that person. I hope you pointed it out as soon as you noticed it otherwise its back on you Bro.

They are not going to change any more than you or I would, I accept the people in my life that act this way, realize how they handle certain situations and then just avoid those situations, if possible. If not, give them the "Look I'm gonna do this, if you act this way speech".

We all know people like that, and I don't know about you, but I want my friends to behave in ways that are good for them. And being passive aggressive really isn't a good way to act, it tends to make you look like an asshole. The problem is these types of people are really hard to deal with sometimes, because they usually refuse to admit they aren't handling things the best way, and they're so closed minded they won't even TRY to see themselves from another person's point of view.

You hit on your source of pain right here, "you want" your friend to act a certain way. You want, not He wants. You make the point about being open minded, and since you put this post up I'm guessing you care about this friend enough to try and correct whatever it is that is cramping your friendship. Show him/her this post, smoke a fatty, come to an agreement, move on.

and now that my wife is done typing her advice (which i mostly agree with) here's mine......

IF that doesn't work and its a guy your problem is with..... Fight.
punching a passive aggressive, should snap him right out of that train of thought.

If its not worth bleeding over then its not worth stressing over either.

 

[Spl1fftast1ck]

Great now me and Maynard look like psychopaths. I say beat him, he says shoot him.
Maybe we should take a poll.

 

[alflud]

Well, here's my two cents for what their worth. This problem arises from the pressure on people to be 'respectful' and NOT rude. If we are left free to express our anger at whatever it is might be bothering us, free to express it without the worry of upsetting someone, without suffering the threat of being cast aside, without fear of being beaten even, then things between people would be much better. For the most part people will be respectful whether or not they are pressured into it or not. If people are happy they are nice but if they are not happy then they ought to feel free to express that without serious consequence too and if it's means being rude then so be it.

I've cast friends aside in the past but not for just being rude. Even if I don't deserve the rudeness being directed at me well it would be one of duties as friend to let the other person vent their frustration and have someone witness it. We choose to be a friend or not, ya know?

What harm does rudeness do anyway? 'Rude' is not bashing your face in with a fist. I know some of us feel real bad when another person is rude to us but really - what's the big deal? Why do we feel so bad? It's nothing. So someone might say "go and fuck your mother you fucking retard" or even be more polite and say "you don't now what you're talking about. You're a fool and I dunno why I even asked you for your opinion in the first place". Either case is totally harmless - if we allow it to be. We have a saying in Ireland that goes ... "it's like water off a ducks back" ... do I need to explain it? Stick and stones. If everyone remembered this and didn't get so upset at other people for being rude but rather let them express themselves however they wish things wouldn't be so complicated.

Another thing is that we'd all know each other that little bit better as expression, no matter how it is displayed, leads to knowledge about the person expressing. It also leads to knowledge about the people who react to the expression. If we could all just learn to accept the bad expression as easy as we can accept the good expression we'd all be a lot freer and know each other better to boot. Maybe we won't like what we learn about that other person and this will eventually us choosing not to be their friend any more but therein lies the value of freedom of expression. If we don't allow this expression then who knows ..... maybe someone we thought was our friend is our worst enemy.

The bottom line here for me though is that way too many of us are possessed of this false notion that we are some sort of saint while other people are less than that but that's BS man because we're all the same underneath it all. We're all human and we all have our bad moments. We all like to think that we are good people but the truth is more yin/yang than that. People tend to ignore the shadow aspect of life and focus solely on the light and therein lies the biggest problem of all. It's easy to accept the positive light but it's not so easy to accept the negative shadow. The fact is though that they are both as valid as each other. Can't define what is good without having bad, what is white without having black, dark without light, chaos without order, happiness without sadness. Without the opposite there with which to contrast a thing off that thing has no real value.

Truth be told our evolution depends on how well we can learn to accept this shadow and not just that but also on how well we can integrate it into our lives. If the negative is allowed to be as it is instead of being repressed then it will always be totally harmless but stand in it's way and this repressed negativity has the potential to become so much more.

Alf.

 

[Ganglere]

Well, here's my two cents for what their worth. This problem arises from the pressure on people to be 'respectful' and NOT rude. If we are left free to express our anger at whatever it is might be bothering us, free to express it without the worry of upsetting someone, without suffering the threat of being cast aside, without fear of being beaten even, then things between people would be much better. For the most part people will be respectful whether or not they are pressured into it or not. If people are happy they are nice but if they are not happy then they ought to feel free to express that without serious consequence too and if it's means being rude then so be it.

I've cast friends aside in the past but not for just being rude. Even if I don't deserve the rudeness being directed at me well it would be one of duties as friend to let the other person vent their frustration and have someone witness it. We choose to be a friend or not, ya know?

What harm does rudeness do anyway? 'Rude' is not bashing your face in with a fist. I know some of us feel real bad when another person is rude to us but really - what's the big deal? Why do we feel so bad? It's nothing. So someone might say "go and fuck your mother you fucking retard" or even be more polite and say "you don't now what you're talking about. You're a fool and I dunno why I even asked you for your opinion in the first place". Either case is totally harmless - if we allow it to be. We have a saying in Ireland that goes ... "it's like water off a ducks back" ... do I need to explain it? Stick and stones. If everyone remembered this and didn't get so upset at other people for being rude but rather let them express themselves however they wish things wouldn't be so complicated.

Another thing is that we'd all know each other that little bit better as expression, no matter how it is displayed, leads to knowledge about the person expressing. It also leads to knowledge about the people who react to the expression. If we could all just learn to accept the bad expression as easy as we can accept the good expression we'd all be a lot freer and know each other better to boot. Maybe we won't like what we learn about that other person and this will eventually us choosing not to be their friend any more but therein lies the value of freedom of expression. If we don't allow this expression then who knows ..... maybe someone we thought was our friend is our worst enemy.

The bottom line here for me though is that way too many of us are possessed of this false notion that we are some sort of saint while other people are less than that but that's BS man because we're all the same underneath it all. We're all human and we all have our bad moments. We all like to think that we are good people but the truth is more yin/yang than that. People tend to ignore the shadow aspect of life and focus solely on the light and therein lies the biggest problem of all. It's easy to accept the positive light but it's not so easy to accept the negative shadow. The fact is though that they are both as valid as each other. Can't define what is good without having bad, what is white without having black, dark without light, chaos without order, happiness without sadness. Without the opposite there with which to contrast a thing off that thing has no real value.

Truth be told our evolution depends on how well we can learn to accept this shadow and not just that but also on how well we can integrate it into our lives. If the negative is allowed to be as it is instead of being repressed then it will always be totally harmless but stand in it's way and this repressed negativity has the potential to become so much more.

Alf.

Thanks, Alf