"Just to get by" a novel by TTB

[Trying-to-blend]

We sell, crack to our own out the back of our homes
We smell the musk at the dusk in the crack of the dawn
We go through "Epidodes II," like "Attack of the Clones"
Work 'til we break our back and you hear the crack of the bone
To get by.. just to get by
Just to get by, just to get by

-Hello?

Out of dope again. Have to replenish supplies down at the corner. He was expecting the call, but not this fucking early. Six AM in the morning. "Just like the song" he thinks to himself, chuckling. Just like the song, it's cold too.

He hates the cold. It wakes him up. It tears him from dreams of peace, dreams where his father is still alive and his wife and kids sleep under the same roof. Dreams that forever haunt him but will never be again. At least not while this shit is going on. But what else is there?

He gets dressed quickly, ignoring the two day old odor emanating from his body and putting on the same clothes he had on last night. Who's gonna see him at this hour? The clothes still smell of smoke and weed, booze and sin. The smell brings shame to him, reminds him that he is trying to forget.

He grabs the big bag from under the bed and starts counting out decks. Five for the kid that runs the corner, 10 for the alley. They usually take 20 at a time, but the heat's been on them and they can't afford the loses. He puts the bag back, careful to reposition the bed ruffles just so, just like his wife used to.

He's about to leave when he remembers the most important detail. He almost forgot his baby, his lifeline, his .357 magnum. Greased and polished, he always kept it neat. It had saved his life on countless occasions, but also put him at risk every time a cop stopped next to him at a red light. Whatever, it's not like it matters to him anymore.



Done for now. If you guys like it, let me know and i'll continue. Any pointers as to grammar and anythign else are ALWAYS welcome.

 

[barletta]

Dood needs to let that shit ring. No one calls for weed @6AM. Get him some seeds, a grow bible, a bukkit and a shovel...

Now, Why would I lie? Just to get high? Just to get by?

Maybe the guy needs to work on goal setting or something, but he sounds like he's backward hustlin... See also the gratitude thread.

 

[Trying-to-blend]

Dood needs to let that shit ring. No one calls for weed @6AM. Get him some seeds, a grow bible, a bukkit and a shovel...

Now, Why would I lie? Just to get high? Just to get by?

Maybe the guy needs to work on goal setting or something, but he sounds like he's backward hustlin... See also the gratitude thread.

Um, guess everyone isn't as versed in street procedure... but this guy is what's called a "runner". He delivers drugs to street soldiers. It's loosely based around my own experience and that of a very close friend i recently lost, who unlike me, thought the money was still worth it...

 

[love?]

Hi.

Since you wanted pointers for anything... I think the correct term for something like this would be "short story" instead of "novel".

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Length_of_a_novel

Well actually according to that page "flash fiction" but I've never heard of such a thing before myself.

 

[Trying-to-blend]

hahahahhahahaha, i'm starting it out...

i always give the first page of something to different people, if they don't like it, i just throw it all out. If you can't catch someone with a frist page, you're not gonna catch em at all...


also, i chose this forum instead of a hip hop forum or a lit forum because hip hop forum members don't like lit and lit forum members tend to not know much about street culture.

 

[barletta]

Don't assume the reader knows ANYTHING about your subject. You can be slick introducing stuff, but is sounds like he got a call, and has to go drop off some coke. Just what it sounds like. And he feels shame at his life. And his clothes stink. And he has a gun. Um... He needs to re-assess what is REALLY good, get some seeds, and in 90 days be back in biz, not backwards hustiln.

It's all about goal setting. Set achievable goals and put a time frame on em.

If you lost dood to a lifestyle, why perpetuate glamorizing the circumstances?

 

[love?]

Ok man, sorry.

 

[dopeshow]

From that bit, the dude sounds depressed and he sounds like a loser... it's like we don't even need to read the book now. All I need to do is read the last page now so I can fill in the ending. "Dude sells drugs and kills people, his dad is dead, he lives alone, his family is all buggered up, he's depressed, and in the end he ____ " I'm going to guess either he dies or gets out and finds new life.

Also, with the over the top attempt at eloquence, there's no reason to use the word fuck. There are other adjectives besides fucking that emphasize how early it is. If you're going to write in that style, the only real acceptable place for curse words is in conversation between the characters... not in the narrator type role. Don't get me wrong I throw four letter words around like anyone else but saying fuck and shit and trying to be eloquent at the same time while writing doesn't work.

I think it comes off too dramatic for a first page. I would pull in the reins just a bit... and not give so much away in the first page like that. Paint the mental picture of the scene, like if you sat down to watch a movie and had to explain everything to a blind person so they got the same experience you did (and its possible). You could sprinkle some foreshadowing in there for some crazy twists. You show glimpses of colorful writing, so use it to put that mental image in people's heads when they read it and don't be so gung ho right away to give away everything we need to know about the guy.

Avoid lingo right away like decks. Some people are going to be like decks, wtf is a deck? Why is he giving playing cards to a kid on the street corner and a guy in the alley? I'm so confused...

It's not bad. You can tell you put effort into it.

I think it could turn out to be pretty good really. It has everything that sells in our society: daddy issues, broken home, guns, booze, weed...

And dude don't ever throw out or completely erase drafts of what you've written. Keep that stuff filed away somewhere. You can reflect on it later, see something you missed, think of something you didn't before, see where you messed up, see where you did well, etc etc Your writing skills will grow exponentially by doing tons and tons of reflection on what you write. Just my two cents.

 

[ureapwhatusow]

talib is cool

 

[iGro4Me]

Sounds like a broken man...

 

[Linenoise]

hey, looks like it could have a lot of potential. I like the prose, but one thing you need to constantly be on guard when writing is to always always always show, never tell.

Show do not tell.

That is one of the biggest rules to writing. You should never tell a reader how a character feels, instead show them and let the reader draw their own conclusions. For instances, instead of telling us the MC 'hates the cold'. I would make a point of maybe having the MC spend an extra minute putting on his coat and hate, maybe even a scarf and gloves. Make it a little production and it will hint to the reader that maybe this guy hates the cold. Then you can always back it up later on, when the guy meets the kid on the corner and the kid is not even wearing a coat or maybe the guy in the alley teases him about his goofy scarf that he always totes around. Hell, if you do that you can even get away with having the MC tell the guy he 'hates the cold'.

Also, something else all editors will tell you is to never (well not never, but they will say never) use adverbs that end with -ly. The rationale being that if you -ly an adverb than you don't need the adverb at all. It suits the structure better if you give clearer illustrations. In short, most writers/editors consider -ly a crutch or hindrance to good writing. Once you start working around this you will see what I mean and it makes a lot of sense. (I used to -ly adverbs all the time!). Just take the time to use a few more words to describe the action(s). Of course this does not mean you should NEVER us them, just be selective about their usage.

Also, if you are serious about writing grab a copy of 'The Elements of Style' by William Strunk Jr & E.B. White. It is a tiny little handbook (like 80 pages) and it is a writers godsend. You can usually find a dozen copies at your local used bookstore. I got my copy for $1.50 at Half Price books.

Anyhow, criticisms aside you are doing the most important thing already and that is writing. Keep writing and your biggest obstacle is already avoided. Good luck and happy writing!