Alcoholism

[MrFista]

Hi, I'm Mr Fista, and I'm an alcoholic. I was diagnosed with this particular illness aged 16, while serving my first alcohol related prison sentence.

The next time I got 'disorderlied' I was sent to rehab. also aged 16.

In rehab they talked a whole lot of shit. Sure, I did a lot of good psyche work, but actually addressing addiction - OH PUHLEESE! It was ridiculous.

98% failure rate, GOD is the answer, apparently, I've been on my knees plenty, God aint there, it's a crock. I've since studied lots of science, it is indeed a crock.....

Up till the time I was 30, if I wasn't drunk, I was in rehab or prison.

I tried oh boy I tried anything to stop I was desperate to stop fucking my life up...

I was that confused and bewildered about life, I read of Gurus and Gods, changed diet drinks time of drinks company jobs partners towns... the booze was taking it's toll heavily.

Sound familiar?

So now I smoke cannabis instead. for the first few years if I touched alcohol I'd wind up passed out covered in vomit someplace, or worse, in a cell...

If I ran out of weed the cravings for alcohol returned so I grow my own now.

It took some time and experimentation to find what I need for my condition.

I was a mess psychologically, so that stuff (psyche) helped a lot. Every few years I find my head getting negative (they're out to get me, it's all going to turn to shit) so I go see someone 1/2 dozen hours and I'm thinking straight again.

Sativa dominant strains reduced cravings the most keeping my head occupied with (mostly) positive thoughts. A bit of indica crossed in reduced paranoia from the strain. Getting things to do stoned in the beginning (reading/movies/video games) to keep me occupied. These got boring (after a while doing nothing nags at you, right) and were replaced by more progressive activities study/gardening/exercise.

At this point, when I was itching to do things, I took on part time work, always having a wee pinch of weed before doing a few hours labour.

Today I can work big hours, without weed, if I wish. It is important to have cold drinks you enjoy when you start working/gardening in hot weather. In cold weather get a coffee addiction going, coffee rocks.

The gardening and study led to better food. WATERCRESS is an amazing liver healer. Alcoholics need it. Raw. I grow so much food since I saw how eating organically completely transformed my energy.

Marijuana saved my life, I'm going to talk a whole lot more about my 'spiritual journey' in this thread. Where I eventually dropped all the mumbo jumbo I was taught, grew some weed, and got on with my life.

I'd like to hear other alcoholics who use weed to help them. Perhaps we can help each other.

No bloody group hugs unless you're all hot.

 

[mark6699331]

thanks for sharing- very nice story-
FYI- drjay struggled with alcoholism too i'm told
good luck to ya mate

would love to hear more info on the watercress- you mean as in chinese food???

 

[bigbluntbob]

hi, i'm bob and i'm an alcoholic/addict. i got pretty much the same story as you. as a result of my addiction i have done about 7 years total in the pen and about 2 in rehab and about 2 more in county jails.

weed helps me out tremendously. having a grow going helps me even more. i like having something to look forward to, something to be obbsessed with.

i do a lot of gardening as well. in fact, that's what i do for a living.

dropping all the "mumbo jumbo" i was taught has been tough but crucial. i have been sober 5 years now and i have a relationship with god but it ain't the god i was raised with, i can tell you that much. but it works great for me.

glad to hear you're on the path. its always good to hear from a fellow alcoholic/tomatophile/pothead.

take care,
bob

 

[MrFista]

Welcome Mark and Bob

I've been smoking Sativa, Im going to rant...

Weed as a medicine for addiction is a two edged sword. I obsessed over things (still do of course), I also compulsively packed cone after cone after food sleep cone again and after that jail time, marking time with weed can seem sweet indeed.

It was almost possible to convince myself of the bullshit they tell you in 12 step groups, that you are SICK FOR LIFE. This is not the case. Weed is healing you, but you have to help. You can have your cake and eat it too.

What is happening in this transition period is healing. Heavy alcoholism destroys the spirit in the end, it cowered and trembled till filled with that magic elixir again. So, I sought the elixir in weed, grow a pound and smoke it...

In this time it is wise to pursue other methods of healing. Eventually, I did

Healing period.

If you need medical detox you must do this first, delerium tremens can kill.

This next bit is tricky for some who're left with nothing - living in a place where you are safe to relax and smoke weed. Lots. Maybe you can do another short sober stint at AA or NA and get yourself located somewhere where you can grow yourself a few plants. I recommend 6 for new growers, so hopefully you got plenty of stash to take your mind off booze. And grow it organic if you can, I aint here to argue this point, you'll feel the difference. Strains may be of significant importance. A different strain may be better/worse - hunt a few down without being conspicuous and try them. I'm using a very old school sativa strain thrown over big bud to tame it for indoors and finish faster. So for me, a sativa dominant cross works best.

People - Friends, if you haven't alienated everyone around you. Counsellors if you have. Slowly as you stop behaving insane people allow you back in. The beauty of talking is your consciousness does not relay information to the subconscious. This means what you're thinking about will go round in your head and may not be resolved. You have to speak these thoughts, or write them out, then they become part of the subconscious and deeper processing begins.

Laughter. Go to comedy shows, youtube your favourite comedians. Perform your own for your mates, laugh at the shit in your life with people you love, let strangers on stages take the piss out of the world that might still frighten or bewilder you. Have marathons of comedy dvd's.

Exercise - This is a tough one, the reward is not instant, but it's as soon as after it's done at first (exercise being laborious to some who are really ill). Start walking, increase it. Soon you will love your walks. The trick is to do it, it is in the doing you will understand the value, not the evaluating this for it's reward (an addicts perception) but for the plain fact of action. This also applies to amending the diet, and having a good laugh, a good life, even.

Diet - mentioned before, this is important. Buy local organic goods or better yet grow your own. I can't stress how important this part is. You have beaten the shit out of your body. Most veggies in big stores are only 20% as nutritious as they were in the 1940's. Think about that, now get some real food. - special note - sugar cravings are normal, and provided you are not diabetic, should be catered for sensibly.

CAKE!

Getting stoned, chilling in the garden, taking walks, it's fantastic after the chaos I put myself through, I enjoy it. I worried that I was wasting time, softly slowly, be nice to yourself, learn to give yourself the same advice a you would give someone you cared about, YOU.



Then the itchy feet, those devilish itchy feet...

When I waited for divine guidance no answers came. When I realised it was up to me, I soon got sick of going nowhere, I thought about those dreams that had previously left me bitter and twisted. Tentatively at first...

On stage last night the spotlight hits me hard, a round of applause and I'm only 10 seconds in, I'm scrubbed, sober, straight and sharp.

Robbed a bank last night
You know how it is
bored
get in the vault - they haven't got any fucking money!
grabbed all the bonds they had...
now I'll never get out of debt.

 

[Haps]

I also am an alcoholic, the er doctor told my brother they never had anyone else survive with a 0.55 blood alc level. I did die, but they thumped me and pumped me, and God sent me back. When you wake up naked and stinking, strapped down to the table with three armed guards staring down at you, you have found the bottom, and you know it. I never had a drink until I was 42, and only started because as an older guy, I had no access to weed, or I never would have taken a drink. Booze is poison for me.
H

 

[happyherb]

i drank pretty heavy from the age of 17 to 30...wont go into it all but at times it was real bad.....after xmas and before new years 3 years ago ....i just stopped....went though 3 days of being really board and wanting to have a drink....now im real anti drinking...often i have bad dreams where i am finding myself buying a six pack and drinking it and feeling so bad ive let myself down and back at day one to start again...these dreams feel so real....the worst dream ended with me waking up feeling like i had a hang over...as i opened my eyes i saw empty drink cans "shit what have i done?...what did i do last night?" then realized i had visitors the night before and it was there emptys....oh wow what a relief !!!!

ive woken up at some old ladys door step with cops standing around me after a night out....woken up with one shoe missing and one almighty cut/brused/swelled up foot...being half way though an argument thinking"what the hell is this fight about?" ect ect ect....(there just the nice ones....theres lots i will never remember case i was smashed 24/7 and things you just want to forget)

drinking really screwed with my life and i dont miss it one bit........

im so glad that day came that i just gave up....was the best day of my life .HH. =]-~

 

[MrFista]

Those dreams are normal. It's uncanny waking up with an actual hangover isn't it. I've not had them for years but can remember waking up bewildered and forlorn, convinced I was in the grips of booze again.

What do you alcohol acquainted types prefer to smoke?

 

[bigbluntbob]

MrFista is right, those dreams will go away in time. i used to have this dream where i was just about to do a shot of dope and then i would wake up jonesin' like a bastard!!

i like a good hybrid, myself. i like the sativa rush and confusion but i also like something that settles into a couchlock. but i like it to be motivational enough to work in the garden, at least for a little while. bog's bogglegum has been my favorite smoke. blueberry has been one of my favorites too.


the heavy indicas (northern lights & afghan) were saving lives when i first got sober though. i was hell on wheels and that heavy stone went along ways in calming my ass down.


did you ever go through the asshole stage? i think i was pissed at the world the first year or two.

 

[happyherb]

the dreams....still having them after a few years ....but less often (just had one last week)....even wake up everytime feeling like i have a hang over....yea horrible strange shit....glad to hear its just not me...this is he 1st time ive really told ppl or been told im not alone....good to know

what to smoke?....i always like to smoke something that makes me laugh at the most stupid shit....i guess if i think about it the dreams come when im smoking nothing at all.

the asshole stage?....ummmm...i suffer from depression so i go through that stage often i guess but keep my self isolated ....and lots of the ppl around me are assholes lol so hard to gauge that one?. HH. =]-~

 

[MrFista]

"this is the 1st time ive really told ppl or been told I'm not alone"

happyherb - that is awesome.

Keep coming back - bwa ha ha!

The hangovers, actual physical hangovers, and no booze for months! They were harsh dreams all right. Friend or two who liked the hard gear have told me they had the using dreams as well. I think we'll find the dreams would be as common as addiction if we all got a chance to sober up.

Do dieters dream of food? I've had cigarette dreams too.

The asshole stage, hmmm, yeah, I was a hater for a while there I sadly confess. I'd rant and rave in a most unsociable way about anything and everything in my sights that day usually involving governments and corporations...

I was convinced the whole world was fucked and only I could see it. Quite delusional for a bit...

I like my weed to chill me out yet keep me active enough as well. Had some bubblegum lately, not too bad. The old sativa/big bud is the one I always want though, I only smoke other strains to be polite (and only then if they're organically grown).

From party pig to pot snob - yikes!

 

[RussCargill]

My name is RussCargill and I am a Member of AA.

The Hangovers. I mean the sober hangovers. Its your mind trying to trick you into "The hair of the Dog". I hate them the most because, I have to suffer through the hang over and didnt get to have any of the fun of getting tanked.

Its been probably a year or better since I have had a drinking drink. But holy shit look out for those white dope dreams. You will come out of those with a jones like no other.

Just remember if you dont have many people to talk to. Talk to your plants. They cant talk back to piss you off. You will feel better, and so will they.

 

[pSi007]

Find things you care for without being a fucking fascist.. I`d rather have a drinking buddy any day over a fucking fascist. things are not so bad so long as you got a good head and moral on your shoulders. I`m struggling right now with personal issues and I limit my drinking to 1 day a week. set goals, man....

:smile:

to hell with the rest of those fascist pigs.. lol

 

[MrFista]

Interesting point psi007. Your meaning of fascist might need clarifying.

I am having trouble with a public official at present. To be honest I want to beat the tar out of him but it wont help anything except put the pompous little prick in his place. And then me in jail...

This is something a lot of folks will struggle with. The public servant who delights in making others lives a misery. There's a lot of them about.

My public servant is a tax official who doesn't consider clean aquaculture is a worthy project for R&D tax credits. So, I get sent a tax bill. This after spending most of my own money, a decade in savings, to complete the project.

AAAARGH!!!!! FASCIST PIG!!!

They're thieves out there, thieves of anything, your cash or your energy, some people, well, some people just suck.

I got to have my sessions with a counsellor my head is all in a spin over it. I book today it's like 4:30 am here I can't sleep that lil prick is living in my head.

Times like this I want to drink, but alcohol and hatred, very bad combination.

I turned my attentions to other 'bastards' and used the energy to write last night.

Here's how it works. We get everyone's life savings as deposits on a mortgage - it's the dream right. We get the whole damn country mortgaged to the hilt, if they got no deposit give them 105% approved finance - we want their wages in our bank. Once we've got lot's of new development and everyone's hocked up to the eyeballs we just raise interest rates. As it is a credit economy everything goes up. Everything, that is, except houses. High interest rates make a mortgage very unattractive. So land and property begins to drop in value while everything else goes up. As property decreases in value to the level of the deposits you've recieved, call the loans in. They're risky! No equity left in them!

Now you have all the land, all the money, and don't owe anyone jack shit.

The greatest robbery ever.

Almost enough to drive a man to drink. Almost.

 

[growlife]

i am also an alcholic
never really drank growing up just smoked heavy
and when i couldnt find weed i started somking cig
(another bad mistake)
i only drank maybe 1-2 times a year under 18
but then at 18 i knocked up my girlfriend (she didnt no i smoked pot )
and i figured i guess i should lay off the pot and start drinking insted
so i didnt end up in jail for somthing illegal (biggest mistake i ever did )
so the last 10 years have been mostly about drinkin

just watch tv just about anything includes drinkin

trying to get back to not drikin or smokin any only smokin pot
but i would probably smoke 6-10 Lbs a year or so but that cost alot indoor and outdoor is risky and short seasoned here

sativa is the way to go for me the indys make me want a drink
maybe the stone just reminds me of drinkin or something

i really enjoy the outdoors but hate when its raining or freezing cold
witch doesnt help livin in the upper midwest with 9 months of winter
i would like to move south 600 miles or so where it is more temperet
climate but the wife is set on living here
i wouldnt mind living where it hit 20 in the night and 55 in the daytime

sorry to rant but it helps alittle

thanks growlife

 

[MrFista]

Rant away. The beauty of this is we're not all mad on the same day. Some will need to rant, some might have something they've done in that circumstance to help. On other days the roles are reversed. The beauty of being human.

I hate the cold too, am looking at further increasing diet and exercise (broken toe at present can't move much) to warm my metabolism up a bit. I dream of living in a warm climate, and envy our south american friends.

 

[GET MO]

Wut up yall, I been drinkin since 13 and a drunkn since 16, just quit in august, goin on 2 months, fealin great. Anyone thinkin bout quitin stick with it, your body and emotions start returnin ta normal after about 3-weeks, after that its smooth sailin.

 

[pSi007]

Interesting point psi007. Your meaning of fascist might need clarifying.

people that hate for no other reason than loving to hate. Some people call them the, "haters" I call them fascist pigs. :smile:


look how this got started --->


we loved to learn without loving to hate and all the reasons people love for hate. We are the anti-culture. We are the beginning of a new culture without a reason to hate, we dont love money, we love freedom of expression. We are the dawn of a new day, if that day lets us be.

I am not geared toward a drunken debauchery, rather, I am the cream of the liberal printing press, as Hunter S Thompson, said it best. BTW, read the RUM DIARY`S, by Hunter S Thompson. Its kinda cool.

 

[MrFista]

I love Hunter S Thompson, he's hilarious and fearless in his convictions. I'll seek the book you mention.

Better for me today. I ran out of weed and was smoking shake. Got a bit of a thirst on. Good friend dropped me some nice organic super skunk/durban poison last night cheered me right up.

On haters, I was one for a while, it was awful, a mental state not my natural state of being. Took a long time to forgive myself then I lost the hate.

 

[SacredBreh]

Am really suprised to see this in a thread......

Am really suprised to see this in a thread......

I too am one of the unfortunate souls about whom you speak. Didn't really drink growing up (like Growlife). Stopped everything at 19 until about 33 then started slowly and then it got away from me..... been 13 years now.... periods of without the alcohol ... even years but gave a lot away in those drinking years. Kind of cool to read the thread.... Mr. Fista--found a place to finally let it out eh..... Very cool indeed.

Over the last few years, have done a lot of growing. Use to, when I was young and then after I was older discovered it again. It is a love equal in strength to the draw of alcohol but in a very much more positive, therefor substantiative way. Because of my having to live through some of my consequences of actions, I have not been able to partake of my own sacraments. Over the last few years....have given away several pounds to some well deserving, in need of meds individuals and some not so deserving, scurrying things. Am not so addicted to the fruits of my travels as I am to the nurturing and growing itself.

I have often wondered if I may have been able to avoid some of the pitfalls of the last decade if I had stuck with the herb instead of the liquid soul remover. Until I read your threads I never really was sure but am a little more certain of that now. What a paradox..... society deems it acceptable yet it is certain to pollute and decay most of the essence of those who partake ... and yet society deems it unacceptable the very substance that magnifies and purifies our soul's better attributes...... interesting. I become more confused and less knowledgeable each day and yet ... who was it that said earlier in this thread that, I most of the time feel I am the only one who sees it.... until this thread I thought it so.

Peace

 

[MrFista]

It amazes me as I come out of my shell and meet more folks how many have 'secrets' that are the same. The way we think on alcohol seems to me to be a 'group unconsciousness'. The isolation, fears, the depth of one's feelings making you feel you are alien, outcast. The feeling of inevitable dread...

The lies society tells us compound the confusion, 'bad men' shelter you, good guys harass and disrespect. Yes, and it's legal to drink yourself to insanity or murderous intent, and illegal to chill out with some herbs.

I've learned that I am of an addictive nature, and that the 'cure' for my type of person is non-existant. I've learned 'professionals', to use an excellent quote from Red Dragon, "Fumble at your mind like a freshman with a panty girdle". The experts haven't got a clue. I went to rehab for alcoholism, when I came out I was...

Alcoholic co-dependant adult child survivor with intimacy issues grandiose delusions etc etc etc. They almost convinced me I was that fucked up too.

Clowns earned a lot of money, and I just got worse.

As a person with an addictive nature I finally decided, fuck it, I'm going to have my cake and eat it too. The only way that is possible without degenerative destruction is through smoking weed.

No more cells, heartache, confusion, just a huge video library, and a message.

Don't need to drink anymore, there is a way out.