3 leper's are playing card's..
One throw's his Hand in...
& the other's laughed their Head's off
Did ya hear about the woman electrocuted at the Baker's shop?
She stepped on a bun and the currant went up her leg!
How many Dubya's does it take to change a Lightbulb?
1 cos he just hold's it while the world revolve's around him!
How many Surrealist's does it take to change.....
.............................A Lightbulb!
Your Momma's pussy is so stinky...
The crab's wear gas-masks.
Your Momma is sooo ugly!
When u were born the doctor slapped both of you!
Two fish standing on a Perch...
One say's to the other "can u smell fish?"
Two prostitute's on the corner,
one say's to the other..
"have u ever been picked up by the Fuzz?"
The other replies...
"No...but I've been swung round by the Tits!"
One throw's his Hand in...
& the other's laughed their Head's off
Did ya hear about the woman electrocuted at the Baker's shop?
She stepped on a bun and the currant went up her leg!
How many Dubya's does it take to change a Lightbulb?
1 cos he just hold's it while the world revolve's around him!
How many Surrealist's does it take to change.....
.............................A Lightbulb!
Your Momma's pussy is so stinky...
The crab's wear gas-masks.
Your Momma is sooo ugly!
When u were born the doctor slapped both of you!
Two fish standing on a Perch...
One say's to the other "can u smell fish?"
Two prostitute's on the corner,
one say's to the other..
"have u ever been picked up by the Fuzz?"
The other replies...
"No...but I've been swung round by the Tits!"
The banker saw his old friend Tom, an eighty-year old rancher, in town.
Tom had lost his wife a year or so before and rumor had it that he was
marrying a "mail order" bride. Being a good friend, the banker asked Tom if
the rumor was true. Tom assured him that it was. The banker then asked
Tom the age of his new bride to be. Tom proudly said, "She'll be twenty-one
in November."
Now the banker, being the wise man that he was, could see that the sexual
appetite of a young woman could not be satisfied by an eighty-year-old man.
Wanting his old friend's remaining years to be
happy the banker tactfully suggested that Tom should consider getting a
hired hand to help him out on the ranch, knowing nature would take its own
course.
Tom thought this was a good idea and said he would look for one that
afternoon.
About four months later, the banker ran into Tom in town again. "How's the
new wife?", asked the banker.
Tom proudly said, "Good - She's pregnant."
The banker, happy that his sage advice had worked out, continued, "And
how's the hired hand?"
Without hesitating, Tom said, "She's pregnant too."
Tom had lost his wife a year or so before and rumor had it that he was
marrying a "mail order" bride. Being a good friend, the banker asked Tom if
the rumor was true. Tom assured him that it was. The banker then asked
Tom the age of his new bride to be. Tom proudly said, "She'll be twenty-one
in November."
Now the banker, being the wise man that he was, could see that the sexual
appetite of a young woman could not be satisfied by an eighty-year-old man.
Wanting his old friend's remaining years to be
happy the banker tactfully suggested that Tom should consider getting a
hired hand to help him out on the ranch, knowing nature would take its own
course.
Tom thought this was a good idea and said he would look for one that
afternoon.
About four months later, the banker ran into Tom in town again. "How's the
new wife?", asked the banker.
Tom proudly said, "Good - She's pregnant."
The banker, happy that his sage advice had worked out, continued, "And
how's the hired hand?"
Without hesitating, Tom said, "She's pregnant too."
Douglas was being evaluated for mental problems and was asked by the doctor, 'If a train was coming down the hallway toward you, what would you do?'
Douglas replied, 'I would get in my helicopter and fly away!'
The doctor then asked, 'Where did you get a helicopter from?'
Douglas replied, 'The same place you got that fucking train!'
Douglas replied, 'I would get in my helicopter and fly away!'
The doctor then asked, 'Where did you get a helicopter from?'
Douglas replied, 'The same place you got that fucking train!'
A brunette, a redhead, and a blonde are stranded on a deserted island when one day a bottle comes washing up in the surf. All 3 of them are grabbing for it when it pops open and a genie magically appears, he tells them that their 3 wishes will be split evenly amongst them. The brunette speaks up first wishing she were back in Tampa Bay & *~POOF~* she's gone! The redhead is next and wishes that she was back home in Tennessee & *~POOF~* she disappears too! The blonde looks around for a moment and says, "it's gonna get sorta lonely around here, I wish my friends could come back" & *~POOF~*.......
A husband walks into Victoria's Secret to purchase a sheer negligee for his wife. He is shown several possibilities that range from $250 to $500 in price, the more sheer, the higher the price. Naturally, he opts for the sheerest item pays the $500 and takes it home. He presents it to his wife and asks her to go upstairs, put it on, and model it for him.
Upstairs, the wife thinks, 'I have an idea. It's so sheer that it might as well be nothing. I won't put it on, but I'll do the modeling naked, return it tomorrow, and keep the $500 refund for myself.'
So she appears naked on the balcony and strikes a pose.
The husband says, 'Good Grief! You'd think for $500, they'd at least iron it!'
He never heard the shot.
Funeral on Friday at Noon.
Closed coffin.
Upstairs, the wife thinks, 'I have an idea. It's so sheer that it might as well be nothing. I won't put it on, but I'll do the modeling naked, return it tomorrow, and keep the $500 refund for myself.'
So she appears naked on the balcony and strikes a pose.
The husband says, 'Good Grief! You'd think for $500, they'd at least iron it!'
He never heard the shot.
Funeral on Friday at Noon.
Closed coffin.
Jochsmokes
Member
so this guy is having breakfast with his wife and son and she says to him honey i lost my job yesterday and he says well thats great, we have a 80,000 dollar home loan and you lose your job!
The next day he saw his boy walking down the driveway hauling a wagon full of clothes so he runs out to ask the boy whats up.
The boy turns and says i heard you and mom last night you said "i'm pullin out"and she said "wait i want to come with you" and i'll be damned if i'm gettin stuck with assload of debt!!
The next day he saw his boy walking down the driveway hauling a wagon full of clothes so he runs out to ask the boy whats up.
The boy turns and says i heard you and mom last night you said "i'm pullin out"and she said "wait i want to come with you" and i'll be damned if i'm gettin stuck with assload of debt!!
A husband wrote the following letter for his wife and left it on the dining room table:
'To My Dear Wife,
You will surely understand that I have certain needs that you, being 54 years old, can no longer satisfy. I am very happy with you & I value you as a good wife. Therefore, after reading this letter, I hope that you will not wrongly interpret the fact that I will be spending the evening with my 18 year old secretary at the Comfort Inn Hotel. Please don't be upset - I shall be home before midnight.'
When the man came home late that night, he found the following letter on the dining room table:
'My Dear Husband, I received your letter and thank you for your honesty about my being 54 years old. I would like to take this opportunity to remind you that you are also 54 years old. As you know, I am a math teacher at our local college. I would like to inform you that while you read this, I will be at the Marriot Hotel with Michael, one of my students, who is also on the tennis team. He is young, virile, and like your secretary, is 18 years old.
As a successful businessman who has an excellent knowledge of Math, you will understand although it may appear that we are in the same situation, there is one mathematical difference: 18 goes into 54
a lot more times than 54 goes into 18.
'To My Dear Wife,
You will surely understand that I have certain needs that you, being 54 years old, can no longer satisfy. I am very happy with you & I value you as a good wife. Therefore, after reading this letter, I hope that you will not wrongly interpret the fact that I will be spending the evening with my 18 year old secretary at the Comfort Inn Hotel. Please don't be upset - I shall be home before midnight.'
When the man came home late that night, he found the following letter on the dining room table:
'My Dear Husband, I received your letter and thank you for your honesty about my being 54 years old. I would like to take this opportunity to remind you that you are also 54 years old. As you know, I am a math teacher at our local college. I would like to inform you that while you read this, I will be at the Marriot Hotel with Michael, one of my students, who is also on the tennis team. He is young, virile, and like your secretary, is 18 years old.
As a successful businessman who has an excellent knowledge of Math, you will understand although it may appear that we are in the same situation, there is one mathematical difference: 18 goes into 54
a lot more times than 54 goes into 18.
The love story of Ralph and Edna
Just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to, doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have.
Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool Ralph suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there. Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled him out.
When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act, she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as they now considered her to be mentally stable.
When she went to tell Edna the news she said, 'Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged, since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of the person you love. I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness. The bad news is, Ralph hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead.'
Edna replied, 'He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry. How soon can I go home?'
Just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to, doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have.
Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool Ralph suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there. Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled him out.
When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act, she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as they now considered her to be mentally stable.
When she went to tell Edna the news she said, 'Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged, since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of the person you love. I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness. The bad news is, Ralph hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead.'
Edna replied, 'He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry. How soon can I go home?'
**I wrote this on another Forum...I felt it was pleasantly evil-- lol!!**
Suicide notes are oh so boring,
so since I found out you like the excitement of Whoring...
I'll spice it up just one more time....and elaborate on "Fuck you Bitch"
...in a silly li'l Rhyme.
I found out my life was through,
First the Cancer, then I seen him with you.
You thought you were cool, in a bed I had bought,
Not even knowing, that you had been caught.
But instead of pulling the trigger, nigger,
I just figured...I would work it so you felt it in your mother-fuckin' liver!!
So get comfy....gather up your lover-geek...
And take a looksy...at what I did last week.
Pulled all the Equity from the House you thought you would get half of.
Gave it to a Dope-Fiend...told him, "Go on...get yourself a Phat-Dove!"
Then I emptied out the Bank Account, Maxed out all the Credit Cards...
Gave away all the Money...broke all the Jewlery into shards.
Now lest we forget the Insurance Money...
I know you been counting on that one, Honey...
But there is a little Clause that says, If I should end up Self-Dead,
...Damn, I just couldn't come up with a Rhyme...but you get the idea, of what I said.
So for me, I cheat a slow death, to get my Revenge
I will go out with a smile, after the prick of the syringe.
One last thing, since I was your Boyfriend's Physician...
He has AIDS....I might consider suicide...if I was in your Position.
Suicide notes are oh so boring,
so since I found out you like the excitement of Whoring...
I'll spice it up just one more time....and elaborate on "Fuck you Bitch"
...in a silly li'l Rhyme.
I found out my life was through,
First the Cancer, then I seen him with you.
You thought you were cool, in a bed I had bought,
Not even knowing, that you had been caught.
But instead of pulling the trigger, nigger,
I just figured...I would work it so you felt it in your mother-fuckin' liver!!
So get comfy....gather up your lover-geek...
And take a looksy...at what I did last week.
Pulled all the Equity from the House you thought you would get half of.
Gave it to a Dope-Fiend...told him, "Go on...get yourself a Phat-Dove!"
Then I emptied out the Bank Account, Maxed out all the Credit Cards...
Gave away all the Money...broke all the Jewlery into shards.
Now lest we forget the Insurance Money...
I know you been counting on that one, Honey...
But there is a little Clause that says, If I should end up Self-Dead,
...Damn, I just couldn't come up with a Rhyme...but you get the idea, of what I said.
So for me, I cheat a slow death, to get my Revenge
I will go out with a smile, after the prick of the syringe.
One last thing, since I was your Boyfriend's Physician...
He has AIDS....I might consider suicide...if I was in your Position.
Uncle Remus
Member
Here's a few I always hear from an old unlce of mine
DO NOT BE OFFENDED, I'm only posting these because it's the only 2 I really know, and I hear the same 2 damn jokes every time I see him
Why do blondes always have lipstick on their steering wheels?...They can't figure out how to blow the horn
How many Jews can you fit in a Volkswagen...154...2 in the front seats, 2 in the back seats, and 150 in the ashtray
DO NOT BE OFFENDED, I'm only posting these because it's the only 2 I really know, and I hear the same 2 damn jokes every time I see him
Why do blondes always have lipstick on their steering wheels?...They can't figure out how to blow the horn
How many Jews can you fit in a Volkswagen...154...2 in the front seats, 2 in the back seats, and 150 in the ashtray
EvilRaven1031
Member
i figured that a joke would be appropriate for post number 50.
A vampire walks into a bar and orders a cup of hot water.
The bartender returns, looks at the vampire puzzled.
Bartender asks "Arent you a fuckin' vampire?"
"Yep."
So the bartender says "Whats with the hot water?"
The vampire pulls a used tampon from his pocket and says. "For tea of course!"
A vampire walks into a bar and orders a cup of hot water.
The bartender returns, looks at the vampire puzzled.
Bartender asks "Arent you a fuckin' vampire?"
"Yep."
So the bartender says "Whats with the hot water?"
The vampire pulls a used tampon from his pocket and says. "For tea of course!"
A cowboy asks an Indian about his animals
A cowboy asks an Indian about his animals
Cowboy: "That your dog?"
Indian: "Yep."
Cowboy: "Mind if I speak to him?"
Indian: "Dog no talk."
Cowboy: "Hey dog, how's it going?"
Dog: "Doin' all right."
Indian: (Look of shock!)
Cowboy: "Is this Indian your owner?" (Pointing at the Indian...)
Dog: "Yep."
Cowboy: "How's he treating you?"
Dog: "Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food and takes
me to the lake once a week to play."
Indian: (Look of total disbelief)
Cowboy: "Mind if I talk to your horse?"
Indian: "Horse no talk."
Cowboy: "Hey horse, how's it going?"
Horse: "Cool."
Indian: (Extreme look of shock!)
Cowboy: "Is this your owner?" (Pointing to the Indian...)
Horse: "Yep."
Cowboy: "How's he treating you?"
Horse: "Pretty good, thanks for asking, he rides me, brushes me down often and keeps me in a lean-to to protect me from the weather."
Indian: (Look of total amazement)
Cowboy: "Mind if I talk to your sheep?"
Indian: "Sheep lie."
.
.
.
A cowboy asks an Indian about his animals
Cowboy: "That your dog?"
Indian: "Yep."
Cowboy: "Mind if I speak to him?"
Indian: "Dog no talk."
Cowboy: "Hey dog, how's it going?"
Dog: "Doin' all right."
Indian: (Look of shock!)
Cowboy: "Is this Indian your owner?" (Pointing at the Indian...)
Dog: "Yep."
Cowboy: "How's he treating you?"
Dog: "Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food and takes
me to the lake once a week to play."
Indian: (Look of total disbelief)
Cowboy: "Mind if I talk to your horse?"
Indian: "Horse no talk."
Cowboy: "Hey horse, how's it going?"
Horse: "Cool."
Indian: (Extreme look of shock!)
Cowboy: "Is this your owner?" (Pointing to the Indian...)
Horse: "Yep."
Cowboy: "How's he treating you?"
Horse: "Pretty good, thanks for asking, he rides me, brushes me down often and keeps me in a lean-to to protect me from the weather."
Indian: (Look of total amazement)
Cowboy: "Mind if I talk to your sheep?"
Indian: "Sheep lie."
.
.
.
R
Ronley
Testicular Therapy By A Professional
Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror
as her ball headed directly towards a men's four playing the
next hole. The ball hit one of the men.
He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to
the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.
The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to
apologize. 'Please allow me to help. I'm a Physical Therapist
and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me", she told
him.
'Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes,' the
man replied. He appeared to be in obvious agony, lying in the
foetal position, still clasping his hands together at his groin.
At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help. She
gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened
his pants and put her hands inside.
She administered tender and artful massage for several long
moments and asked, 'How does that feel'?
He replied: "It feels great, but I think my thumb's still
broken."
Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror
as her ball headed directly towards a men's four playing the
next hole. The ball hit one of the men.
He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to
the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.
The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to
apologize. 'Please allow me to help. I'm a Physical Therapist
and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me", she told
him.
'Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes,' the
man replied. He appeared to be in obvious agony, lying in the
foetal position, still clasping his hands together at his groin.
At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help. She
gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened
his pants and put her hands inside.
She administered tender and artful massage for several long
moments and asked, 'How does that feel'?
He replied: "It feels great, but I think my thumb's still
broken."
hmmmmmmm, disposable douche.
I didn't know anyone kept it before anyway.......
I didn't know anyone kept it before anyway.......
G. Sensi
Member
This is the only one I know...
3 dudes head to a ranch to visit a friend....
When they're there they decide they want to take a Horse Ride thru the forrest, to see what its like...
Their friend tells them 'No problem guys, I got one out back, you can take her out... And shes super obedient, you just have to remember the commands'
They head out, and climb on (its a big Horse) and the friend says
'Now...To make her walk, you say 'Shit'...to make her walk a little faster, you say 'shit shit'... and to make her run you say 'shit shit shit'... to make her stop you say 'Holy shit'
Easy enough.... They head out...
After a while, they decided they wanted to go faster, so 'Shit Shit'... Horse picks up the pace....
A little while after that, they say this is pretty fun, lets see how fast it goes... 'Shit Shit Shit'.... Horse takes off like lightning!
He's galloping away like he's in a race, and they've never had so much fun...
Suddenly they realize they are approaching the edge of a cliff.... And This Horse aint slowing down for anything! He's running straight towards it...
Theyre screaming, whipping, beating the horse trying to get it to stop! Pulling the reins, kicking him and He's just going faster....
Closer and Closer they get to the edge.... and more and more they're panicking...
By now each of their lives is flashing before their eyes and they know they're dead... they can hear the water crashing against the Rocks below the cliff...
10 feet....5 feet... 2 feet... 1 foot.... They're going over when they all scream out
'HOLY SHIT, WE'RE DEAD!!!'
Horse stops dead in his tracks and sits down right at the edge... starts munching on some grass as if nothing happened.... They're safe and couldnt be happier....
Jonny, who was in front, gets off the horse, and steps towards the edge to look down... he wipes his brow and lets out a sigh of relief and says
'Shit, that was close dude!'
Horse stands up and walks off the cliff with his friends.
Idance and Itection
-Sensi
3 dudes head to a ranch to visit a friend....
When they're there they decide they want to take a Horse Ride thru the forrest, to see what its like...
Their friend tells them 'No problem guys, I got one out back, you can take her out... And shes super obedient, you just have to remember the commands'
They head out, and climb on (its a big Horse) and the friend says
'Now...To make her walk, you say 'Shit'...to make her walk a little faster, you say 'shit shit'... and to make her run you say 'shit shit shit'... to make her stop you say 'Holy shit'
Easy enough.... They head out...
After a while, they decided they wanted to go faster, so 'Shit Shit'... Horse picks up the pace....
A little while after that, they say this is pretty fun, lets see how fast it goes... 'Shit Shit Shit'.... Horse takes off like lightning!
He's galloping away like he's in a race, and they've never had so much fun...
Suddenly they realize they are approaching the edge of a cliff.... And This Horse aint slowing down for anything! He's running straight towards it...
Theyre screaming, whipping, beating the horse trying to get it to stop! Pulling the reins, kicking him and He's just going faster....
Closer and Closer they get to the edge.... and more and more they're panicking...
By now each of their lives is flashing before their eyes and they know they're dead... they can hear the water crashing against the Rocks below the cliff...
10 feet....5 feet... 2 feet... 1 foot.... They're going over when they all scream out
'HOLY SHIT, WE'RE DEAD!!!'
Horse stops dead in his tracks and sits down right at the edge... starts munching on some grass as if nothing happened.... They're safe and couldnt be happier....
Jonny, who was in front, gets off the horse, and steps towards the edge to look down... he wipes his brow and lets out a sigh of relief and says
'Shit, that was close dude!'
Horse stands up and walks off the cliff with his friends.
Idance and Itection
-Sensi
G
guest
Probably posted before .. if so sorry:
They have discovered how much marijuana it takes to kill humans.
They figure if you drop a fifty pound bail from a five story building it'll kill every other person it hits.
They have discovered how much marijuana it takes to kill humans.
They figure if you drop a fifty pound bail from a five story building it'll kill every other person it hits.
Lulu was a prostitute. One day there was a raid. All the prostitutes were lined up outside the police station as they took them in one by one.
As Lulu stood in line, she saw her Grandma coming down the street and was so ashamed; Grandma didn't know her occupation. Grandma stopped to say hi and asked what the line was for.
Lulu, saving face, said that the police were giving away fresh oranges to those waiting. Grandma said wonderful, she loved oranges and got at the end of the line.
When the policeman got to the end and saw her, he was amazed.
He said, "How the heck do you do this at your age?"
She said, "I just take out my teeth, rip the skin back and suck 'em dry!"
The policeman fainted.
As Lulu stood in line, she saw her Grandma coming down the street and was so ashamed; Grandma didn't know her occupation. Grandma stopped to say hi and asked what the line was for.
Lulu, saving face, said that the police were giving away fresh oranges to those waiting. Grandma said wonderful, she loved oranges and got at the end of the line.
When the policeman got to the end and saw her, he was amazed.
He said, "How the heck do you do this at your age?"
She said, "I just take out my teeth, rip the skin back and suck 'em dry!"
The policeman fainted.
