Another day

[Veggia farmer]

Woke up today. Toilet, totally loose. No structure at all. Actually shaking a little bit. Yesterday I had a chat with someone I care much about. I told more details and more in deepth about some of the memories. I had to make that day end early.

I have been joking to some hear on the forum that I havent waked and baked for some time. Started doing that a couple of week ago again. Wake up early and bring out the indica. Slow start, good start. Just like an diesle engine. A big one too in an small/light body. If I get off a correct "start me up" _Insert The Stones Here_ I go full throttle all day.

I dont "fancy" so much talking about what have happend here and there. I want to accknowledge it, and move on.

1 of January this year. After most of the family has showned me there "true" colors in the Christmas-_Insert Whitesnakes Here I Go Again here_(Its a little bit 80 thinghy, which I find funny being someone who just missed it and all the lovely hair)

22 Medicine is eaten.

00 I feel like laying down for shutting my eyes.

Around 01 in the night, I feel my breath is being hard. I have to "force" it. Thight. I remember something. I manage to connect the memory with the breath. I get a little calm again. I have atleast controll now from what have been in the sub-conciuess to here and now. My Ego had the strength to keep like that for ahwile, enough for me to have something to work with for awhile until I got tired and I was exausted for having the "flashbacks" or what I should call them. Here it sure was more like any other memory. No anxiety, at least not to much for my part. But very emotionally.

I have been searching a little bit before.

I understood in an early age that I didnt have access to all the memories in the consciousness that made an severe impact of who Im today. Simply because I could feel it. For an example. I had a more "flight or fight" active brain then others, and I could thereby also handle some situations with way to much aggressiveness then it required. That started to change some years later when I found Cannabis or it found me. My constant vibration I could actually start to controll a little bit. This was way cool for me.

So Cannabis made me manage to deal with day to day in a more positive way. No doubt. AND NO DOUBT Cannabis has been the thing to impact to me the most without talking about "Community" which I think would be the most Key for me.

Community man, Sound so fucking Hippie Dippie but it is so fucking true, man.

My childhood traumas was made by some of the closest one in mind and space for some part in the timeline.

When this happend I never really had anyone, anyone at all I could later trust and be myself with. Someone I could let my guards all the way down on. Some I have been more with yes, but.... They also disappeared somehow and so on everyone.. I learned that to open your self up has a big price too. If a promise came, that gave atleast some hindsight, cause that would never happen. I then started to not be so much home at an early age, wanting no vistiors or birthday parties for me, thank you! Walk alone, get along has been a moto for me in a few situations yes.

So when this happend all in all I got a nice crust.... And no community to be in or atleast one I could feel.

Ever seen that dog that is afraid of everyone? Thinking everyone is gonna harm it. That was me man. Trust nobody. Talk to nobody. LOL. The first few growers rule went very easily on me, no problemo, have had that attitude as long as I can remember. I try to be more open as an person but yeah, pretty reserved. Living far out in the woods. Anyways I like it. Adapt or perish, I remember as an quote on this forum. Hmm.

So one thing is smoking a little bit erb and being in check. Something else is also getting the knowledge that tilted the table.

Its a little bit more in balance today, but we have a little sea- sickness from changing the position. But IM getting there. Thank all the good people that have helped me with seeds and such. Stoned and smiling this evening mates and ladies.

But I sure notice how fast that nausea can hit the last two months. Hmm. Getting in more balance? I have had a strange digestive system since age 10, atleast...

First two/three weeks of januray I felt much bliss. Just being aware of what made me. After that went a month in depression I would say. So yeah, then I started to wake and bake again to check in on day to day. Doing better.

But After the knowing. mostly just feeling of a release. Like some stones have been taking out the backpack. Lighter. Still getting adjusted.

I love sats on a good day with coffee all amped up, rocking- full throttle! But, that aint most days, I wish. So give some fat leafed nugs with the morning coffee and I will surely smile more I might listen to some AC/ DC and do some push ups. Indica, coffee and push-ups. Thats my recipe for getting away some of the tensions these days. Oh, yeah, drink the coffee and smoke in the sun is good too, as much sunlight as possible! Spring soon here and I feel F)"/RFING rock it!

SALUTE!

For Those About to Rock (We Salute You) - YouTube

 

[Veggia farmer]

After all, I have never accountered an obsticle I could not GROW myself out off,


Probably a shiteload of grammatic wrongies, but Im stoned and got munchies. So deal with it.

 

[Veggia farmer]

Was talking to a Doober a dag ago or so.. AC/DC.. Why didnt I have listen to them for ages. Strange feeling about putting them. My friend Harry. Sham 69 - Hurry Up Harry (Original Promo Video) (1978) (HD) - YouTube

Well, my friend was a guitar legend in my eyes. We lived together, and did most together. We also had a bigger group that was like family, but we two sort of ended up together in all sorts of situations. I loved it. Dont regret much, no. He even saved me a couple of times. After chocking on candy, no joke, and some serious head injury another time. 3m height, head first on pavement.

So its strange with AC/DC today. Was the second session at therapist today of course some memories with him appeared. Yes, I also saved him. When he called for goodbye and has taken the knife.

It was a reckless life. It was fun as long as it was fun. When the peaked had reached and the crash came closer. Some. Could not let go. Some also crashed, a few times. Some never got up again, and may them all rest good and peacefully.

Its a choice. Everyday. Every moment. To go further or to neglect it all.

AC/DC, He loved them.

Needed some good vibe music yesterday and today, then this came. I still pray for you out "there", my mate Harry.

 

[Veggia farmer]

My mate is also a surviver so to speak. Another living dead, dead living.

Killing yourself to live- Ozzy- Also one who suffered sexual trauma as a child.

 

[Veggia farmer]

Shit Im going up and down 20 times a day the last two weeks.

I really need to break through some shit here, and I feel it coming closer. Or perhaps Im closer to full blown meltdown? Naah, I dont think so, but I really need to focus to channel my anger. Its a lot. Anger can get me down, on the other side, it can also be a huge motivator if I got my tongue in the right place. Lots of changes here these days and coming months. Good ones...! Got hit the wave and surf it.... Life is fucking great, just gotta get out of the partypooper mentality. Get a grip mate.

I did not smoke for the first two hours today. Some hash made me lazy yesterday, lol. Had something to do today, still do, lots, but now my gut says: YOU NEED SOME HAZE MATE!

Lighting it up now.... Waiting for the entrance of speedy gonzales to arrive.. Oh wait, he is already here, but need some tokes!

Gotta GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOoooooooooooooooooooooooo!

 

[Gypsy Nirvana]

- first you have to become in denial of depression - if you are going to be in denial of anything - try and make it depression - 'cos that will always get you down - if you believe in it Veggie - then regularly listen to this song : - Eric Idle - "Always Look On The Bright Side Of Life" - STEREO HQ - YouTube

- sing it - whistle to it - when feeling negative -

 

[Veggia farmer]

Thanks Gypsy, always a pleasure.

Yes, I really do believe that we can alter our own consciousness to make things more positive or negative or go in other directions, just on our own free will. I will admitt its bloody hard from time to time. One thing is to deny depression, and one things is to do it in a healthy way aswell, as you suggest. Atleast my dogs liked it, hearing me whistling and singing as I was shoveling snow. That gives me joy. I have managed to deny it before, but maybe not in the healthiest way. . . So Im a little burned out. As you know already know about some of my private issues that has happened in the last weeks, separation going to divorce it seems, I suddenly also manage to accept everything much more. Its a more firm grip of what I can expect and that give me more accept too. Thats a mayor relief for me. Since on and off situations like its been triggered my self to go overactive (fight and flight modus), so many times and over such a long period. That might been the most burnout trigger for the last few years.

By biggest wish ever, was to have a family and feel it. I had it, but its gone. So lets make the best out of it now. I have been having really much fun with my two boys lately. Thats the most important thing for me, my kids. Now I only want to be the best version of myself, for myself but also for them. Growing up with no dad around we both know can be hard. I have them a lot, the kids. This is my first weekend without them since atleast october, maybe longer, so Im definitely "in" there`s life. That is also maybe one of the things that triggers my anxiety the most. Scared of drifting away for them, its totally BS in real life, but my head remmember my experince to much sometimes. So I loose the perspective of what is really the situation here today.

I also relived many traumas since January. Many of them had been locked away in the sub-consciousness almost all my life. That also helpes in some way, but man, its disgusting aswell. Not much anger here, just disgust and relief of knowing what causes my reactions in life. Time to pack my shite and throw it out the window.


I use music a lot for self therapy, to get in gear most, but also to relax.... You reminded me, that sometimes I need a little more gravel in my guts.

Johnny Cash - A boy named Sue - Live at San Quentin - YouTube

 

[Gypsy Nirvana]

- ya - rejoice in the family that you have around you - even if you are not with them all of the time - like me you have kids to raise - and they are very important - let them see you as a strong and happy man - rather than the opposite - if you can avoid that of course - anger is an energy - that you can channel into a sport or just a punch bag - best not let the kids see an angry Dad - too often - or at all if you can avoid it -

 

[Veggia farmer]

Absolutt, when you have become a father, thats number one in my opinion. Family first. Always. So long it acts as family, and my boys sure do! Yeah, angry dads are not cool. Have learned that pretty good, to say stop, BEFORE ya pissed. hehe. So thats good, when the kids think of me I want it be music, play, good times and laughs. I like to use that anger for work, not family. I try my best to see my work as a sport. LOL. But true man, work is play, play is work. I need to work physically. If you need to lift something from A to B. Why not make it a part of a training regime? I kinda do that. I then get "flushed" in the head and I dont need to work out so much after work. hehe.

Spoke earlier today to a friend and told a little to him what had happened, what I have came to realize about my self. He said he felt I took it pretty cool after all.

Klompen talked in a thread about stress "eating" up the high. Well, I smoked half a joint earlier. Dont feel so high. Dont feel so stressed either. This is usually that 2 toke smoke and Im good... But anyways.. Its all good. Not stressed to much., Music.. Deny the depression.. I like the picture.. Sitting next to the wood oven on one side with one dog on the other.