Wow, how freeing! Just got back from two hours with my sensei to prep for my Gosho lecture on the opening paragraph of the Gosho,'On Repaying Debts of Gratitude.' I'm sitting there wanting him to confirm to me that my understanding of a certain underlying point of faith is correct--and I'm relying on my understanding of this issue based on what I perceived from reading "Lectures on the Sutra by Josei Toda"--and I look over and there it is. He actually has a copy, in almost new condition, of this book that has been out of print for more than thirty years. So I pick it up from his bookshelf and I (it) open(s) to the page that discusses this point. HA! He confirms that my understanding is correct, and now I am obliged to refute points that were made by others at last months Gosho lecture that I knew were in error. I should have spoken up then. But because I had just had a big freaking argument with the wife just before I got there, I was in too much of a shellshocked life condition to speak up and seek to clarify why I believed their point to be in error. For a whole fucking month, I have chanted and felt bad about not having the nads to speak up to keep things straight, even though I was suffering from a low life condition. To do that was wrong, and I have apologized through my Daimoku and made the determination to correct my mistake, and started tonights Gosho Review with my question to make sure I am correct in my understanding so I can correct that point. For him to have "Lectures on the Sutra by Josei Toda" and for it to open to the page discussing this issue was to me, mind boggling! How cool!