RobFromTX
Well-known member
Drink plenty of water. And lay off the heavy salted foods. Thats what the docs told me
Drink plenty of water. And lay off the heavy salted foods. Thats what the docs told me
moose eater
Well-known member
You're a decent guy, 'hawk. Sometimes there's a borderline persona going on that wants reassurance as a matter of repeated course. The stuff your dad didn't do for you often enough. I carry some of that myself.
Just keep fertilizing that good guy part in ways that it grows healthy.
We can all act like a badass sometimes for different reasons.
My kids grew up with a MH guy, dope grower, dope dealer, and political organizer/activist as a dad, who is very direct in my addressing of issues, critical, OCD, and doesn't take shit, and who carried a firearm and slept with a firearm as matters of course, collected class III weapons and did high-profile activism, as well as riding a Harley and living in a constant state of vigilance for the combined (sometimes extreme or severe) stressors often inherently bouncing around from that bundle of character and identity... who grew up with some extreme violence and a bit of death generated by people who were supposed to love and care for each other.
I know a fair bit about much of the paths we're communicating about.
Be reasonably good or kind to yourself, 'hawk. To sound even more smulchy and Stewart Smalley-ish, though it's true, we're the last best friend we'll potentially ever have in ourselves in this life.
We either make ourselves good friends to ourselves, or not so good friends to ourselves, or sometimes enemies to ourselves, and there's enough of those last two potentially in others we meet in life that we don't need to pile on.
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As much as my dad is an asshole he did say the same thinkg from Stewart Smalley. Im good enough,im smart enough and gosh darnit people like me! I know i need to pick up the slack. i think he told it to himself.I need a Pint now.My brain wont let myself heal because i dont deserve it. Ive done too many things and i cant forget. i need benzos and they wont give them too me. i never had a problem with them
moose eater
Well-known member
re. the benzos, most people never have a problem with a Kenworth either, until they meet one on the highway at high-speed going the other way..
It's not likely to ever be about forgetting 'hawk. It can be, however, about rearranging the focus and emphasis to make it more accepting and kinder on the spirit.
Or, as one therapist in Anchorage told me in the midst of discussing a PTSD-generated dream and crisis, at a time I had more than enough clients who were suicidal in the later early 1990s, and my younger brother had just died, "You need to turn your bison into a field mouse."
It was in re. to a sweaty panicked dream about guilt and being found to have committed a crime in a public place that involved me killing a bison in a park at a pavilion on a hiking trail with people/hikers approaching, and I was about to be discovered. As benign or humorous as it might sound, the dream was terrifying, hinging on that whole, "someone will see me as less-than and guilty, or as a bad guy."
I was terrified of making the wrong call with clients and having someone get hurt, and my missing some key factor.
Some of my family's deaths it took me years to find what was real and cry for them.
I forgave every person in my family, and sometimes myself, for shit that went down that didn't need to, including their deaths, again, emphasizing there's none who are perfect, and every one of us takes responsibility for our actions someday (I hope), then needs to address those in a level way, and pack them where they belong, forgive and move forward, or there's a barrier that's harder to overcome.
I was in my early 30s and in grad school before I finally answered myself as to whether I loved my father or not. I did. He was gravely imperfect and a very confused, conflicted man, and I forgave him for offing himself in '68. Without that forgiveness and the forgiveness of/toward/for others, I'd have been far more stuck in that place than otherwise.
